I sat on the couch watching as a woman injected heroin into her neck. Along with others, she had been in and out of treatment. Another woman, before opioid addiction had sunk its teeth into her life, had been active in her church community. Now, she was living in a house along with others who had similar addictions. To access drugs, she would visit open houses of homes for sale to go through people’s medicine cabinets. These were just two peoples’ stories.
It was a lot to take in.
I was both uncomfortable and had this internal sense that this was important for me to experience. As I watched Chasing Heroin from Frontline and listened to these people’s stories, they were humanized.
At the time, Stef and I were going through foster care training. A lot of the kiddos that are “in the system” have parents who are dealing with drug addictions. I don’t remember why exactly I watched this documentary. I’m assuming someone mentioned it at a training.
Yes, I was uncomfortable watching this. I could feel my insides squirm at times. And yet I watched it with an openness to listen and understand.
This is something that I have cultivated: the capacity to have two or more experiences simultaneously that may seem antithetical by nature.
This is a trait I see play out in all kinds of areas of my life. I am a person who can make up my mind and listen to alternative ideas being genuinely curious and open to changing my own perspectives. I really love this about myself.
Growing up, I absorbed cultural ideas that people who are “addicts” are somehow “less than.” Less than what…? I guess the answer was people who weren’t addicted to drugs. I heard this both as a general cultural narrative as well as from within the Christian community because addiction is “wrong”.
As I watched people shooting up in the Frontline episode, I experienced discomfort while also holding space to be curious and learn.
I grew up in what many would call “conservative Christian culture”. I don’t love that title because it is often used as a means to degrade or dismiss others. It also reduces the complexity of both conservative views and Christian views.
What’s intriguing to me about my journey is how I look back and point to this “conservative Christian” upbringing as what drives me to be loving and accepting of people from such a wide range of backgrounds.
Whether it was at school, at church, or on talk radio shows like Rush Limbaugh, I soaked in the ideas that men are supposed to be manly and women should be valued and that, among other things, they make hella homemakers.
I would also hear comments like, “Oh, he had surgery so now I’m supposed to call him a she?” I’d hear comments about how it was so difficult and these people were just attention-seeking and coming up with reasons to indulge their sexual nature and that they were…sinners.
I remember saying degrading things like, “Oh the LGBTABCDEFG-whatever the heck letters now…”
Oof, it’s painful to acknowledge this. And, I think it is important to recognize this.
The above paints a single-story narrative about my mindset. I hear all kinds of people reduce “conservative Christians” to the above types of behavior and thinking.
But…there is so much more to the story of growing up immersed in an environment that loved and followed the teachings of Jesus.
While I did grow up hearing things that would be considered by many as anti-trans, homophobic, etc, it is core to my story that I also had other values that permeated my mind. Things like, “Jesus welcomed the outcast with open arms,” as well as, “God loves everyone.”
I grew up studying the Bible and learning how Jesus stood up to the religious elitists who were gatekeeping who could be part of the “in” crowd. I grew up with stories about how God was filled with love for all.
So there I was, sitting on the couch as Chasing Heroin ended. Whew.
I scrolled through some of the future episodes and one title stood out to me:
Growing Up Trans
My insides started to squirm even more.
Somewhere along my personal journey, I have learned to lean in when I feel uncomfortable. The discomfort is often a sign that there’s something I want to explore.
I clicked play.
What followed was an hour and a half of discomfort and new perspectives into experiences I had never been exposed to. You see, I had a single-story narrative about trans people.
I can’t say I garnered some particular perspective or knowledge from watching this episode. Just…it was an important marker in this journey of shedding anti-trans ideas. It opened the door to me asking myself, “What more can I learn to better understand others to be more loving and compassionate?”
Let’s rewind a few years.
We moved to Muncie from Downtown Indianapolis. What led us to leave a cool high-rise apartment to…Muncie? We wanted community.
Before moving, we determined we would start a meetup for board gaming. We found a home to rent, we started the meetup, we posted our first event, and we were nervous. New people would be coming to our house, or at least I sure hoped people would come.
We continued hosting the meetups for a few years. We were regularly having new folks joining, which was always a delight for me. I remember two women came to our house.
They were married.
They weren’t my first gay friends. Just…I still held this idea in my head that somehow someone else being anything other than heterosexual affected me.
I grew up hearing from Christians how the LGBTQ community had an agenda. There was a lot of talk about fighting their agenda and complaints that they had an agenda. “Why do they have to force their values upon us?” As I experienced it, it was a threat to “our” way of life.
Quick side note: when I reflect back onto this idea that it was bad for other people to have an agenda, it is ironic given the fact that Christianity is a religion that is largely focused on spreading an agenda. I’m not saying that’s bad. It’s just…many Christians were/are working to force their views on others.
And this is where I return to my capacity to hold space for multiple and seemingly incompatible experiences within me. On one hand, I had been taught that homosexuality is wrong and that anyone saying otherwise needed to be fiercely opposed. However, the core value that I took away from the Bible was loving people. When I read and study Jesus, I see a man who loved people with fierce passion.
Be with people. Love people. Value people. That’s the story of Jesus in the Bible that I read. So when two married women show up at my house, there’s only one clear answer about how I would want to show up: with love and acceptance.
The two women stuck around for a while. We played games. We had a great time.
I remember someone later asking if one of the women was trans.
“I have no idea,” I responded. It really hadn’t been a concern of mine. She had shown up at my house and I welcomed her in. Part of me was curious. Part of me was uncomfortable. And all of me was grateful for my upbringing in a Christian culture where I learned that loving others was the most important value I could live out.
Now…that is not what everyone who grows up in a Christian culture believes. That was just my takeaway. For me, my journey from anti-trans to trans-accepting was made possible by my beliefs in what Jesus taught.
The two women continued coming to our house to play games. I was grateful that they felt welcome in our space. I got to know them as the beautiful humans they are and their marriage and identities were just one part of what made them them. In the years to come, my new trans friend would end up spending years working with me, helping me grow in ways I never imagined. Wow, I sure am grateful for her.
After starting our meetup and over the following months and years, I would intentionally read more and more about the LGBTQ+ community. I would see a headline and it was when those “discomfort bells” would ring that I would choose to lean in. I was exposed to an increasingly wider range of human experiences. And my discomfort diminished over time. I let go of my concern that other people’s sexuality and gender identity was a threat to me.
As I reflect back, I’m grateful for the value of loving other people that I derived from studying Jesus. It’s interesting because when I have this conversation with other Christians, I’m sometimes met with comments like, “I feel like that’s the opposite of what I grew up with.” Jesus’ story of love stuck with me in a way that leaves me focused on loving and cherishing others, even when I am uncomfortable. And that’s a really good and beautiful thing.
I find this sliver of my story relevant because I think it is disingenuous to act as though I’ve always been open and accepting of trans identities. As I’ve waded into new questions myself over the last year and a half, I’ve realized how many ideas are deeply embedded into my thinking.
In my January blog, I noted how I was so uncomfortable when I first asked myself questions like, “Do I wish to identify as something other than a man?” Oof, that sent up those discomfort bells. And yet I allowed that to be while also being curious about myself.
I wish I could look back and say I’ve always been accepting of trans people. But…I wasn’t. (I also didn’t know any openly trans people for most of my life.) It took time, intentionality, and a fierce dedication to the inherent value of each human being for me to overcome my anti-trans views.
In the end, how did I go from having very anti views towards trans people to valuing and embracing trans people?
I think it was a willingness to listen while uncomfortable. I gave myself permission to have internal conflict between the ideas I believed and others’ experiences that might possibly show me a different perspective. I was also clear on what matters most to me. My clarity in valuing our shared humanity allowed me to read and hear and soak in stories that told a different narrative than I had experienced.
As I’ve chatted with a range of Christians as well as non-Christians in response to my January blog, some have commented that they’re interested in learning more about this shift I experienced. Many of us did grow up with anti-trans views and some of us are seeking to leave those behind.
As is always the case, if you have questions, feel free to ask away! Sometimes people apologize for their curiosity. I love it when someone cares to inquire.