Category: Life

I sat on the couch watching as a woman injected heroin into her neck. Along with others, she had been in and out of treatment. Another woman, before opioid addiction had sunk its teeth into her life, had been active in her church community. Now, she was living in a house along with others who had similar addictions. To access drugs, she would visit open houses of homes for sale to go through people’s medicine cabinets. These were just two peoples’ stories.

It was a lot to take in.

I was both uncomfortable and had this internal sense that this was important for me to experience. As I watched Chasing Heroin from Frontline and listened to these people’s stories, they were humanized. 

At the time, Stef and I were going through foster care training. A lot of the kiddos that are “in the system” have parents who are dealing with drug addictions. I don’t remember why exactly I watched this documentary. I’m assuming someone mentioned it at a training.

Yes, I was uncomfortable watching this. I could feel my insides squirm at times. And yet I watched it with an openness to listen and understand. 

This is something that I have cultivated: the capacity to have two or more experiences simultaneously that may seem antithetical by nature.

This is a trait I see play out in all kinds of areas of my life. I am a person who can make up my mind and listen to alternative ideas being genuinely curious and open to changing my own perspectives. I really love this about myself.

Growing up, I absorbed cultural ideas that people who are “addicts” are somehow “less than.” Less than what…? I guess the answer was people who weren’t addicted to drugs. I heard this both as a general cultural narrative as well as from within the Christian community because addiction is “wrong”.

As I watched people shooting up in the Frontline episode, I experienced discomfort while also holding space to be curious and learn. 

I grew up in what many would call “conservative Christian culture”. I don’t love that title because it is often used as a means to degrade or dismiss others. It also reduces the complexity of both conservative views and Christian views.

What’s intriguing to me about my journey is how I look back and point to this “conservative Christian” upbringing as what drives me to be loving and accepting of people from such a wide range of backgrounds.

Whether it was at school, at church, or on talk radio shows like Rush Limbaugh, I soaked in the ideas that men are supposed to be manly and women should be valued and that, among other things, they make hella homemakers. 

I would also hear comments like, “Oh, he had surgery so now I’m supposed to call him a she?” I’d hear comments about how it was so difficult and these people were just attention-seeking and coming up with reasons to indulge their sexual nature and that they were…sinners.

I remember saying degrading things like, “Oh the LGBTABCDEFG-whatever the heck letters now…”

Oof, it’s painful to acknowledge this. And, I think it is important to recognize this.

The above paints a single-story narrative about my mindset. I hear all kinds of people reduce “conservative Christians” to the above types of behavior and thinking.

But…there is so much more to the story of growing up immersed in an environment that loved and followed the teachings of Jesus.

While I did grow up hearing things that would be considered by many as anti-trans, homophobic, etc, it is core to my story that I also had other values that permeated my mind. Things like, “Jesus welcomed the outcast with open arms,” as well as, “God loves everyone.”

I grew up studying the Bible and learning how Jesus stood up to the religious elitists who were gatekeeping who could be part of the “in” crowd. I grew up with stories about how God was filled with love for all.

So there I was, sitting on the couch as Chasing Heroin ended. Whew. 

I scrolled through some of the future episodes and one title stood out to me:

Growing Up Trans

My insides started to squirm even more. 

Somewhere along my personal journey, I have learned to lean in when I feel uncomfortable. The discomfort is often a sign that there’s something I want to explore.

I clicked play. 

What followed was an hour and a half of discomfort and new perspectives into experiences I had never been exposed to. You see, I had a single-story narrative about trans people.

I can’t say I garnered some particular perspective or knowledge from watching this episode. Just…it was an important marker in this journey of shedding anti-trans ideas. It opened the door to me asking myself, “What more can I learn to better understand others to be more loving and compassionate?”

Let’s rewind a few years. 

We moved to Muncie from Downtown Indianapolis. What led us to leave a cool high-rise apartment to…Muncie? We wanted community.

Before moving, we determined we would start a meetup for board gaming. We found a home to rent, we started the meetup, we posted our first event, and we were nervous. New people would be coming to our house, or at least I sure hoped people would come.

We continued hosting the meetups for a few years. We were regularly having new folks joining, which was always a delight for me. I remember two women came to our house.

They were married. 

They weren’t my first gay friends. Just…I still held this idea in my head that somehow someone else being anything other than heterosexual affected me.

I grew up hearing from Christians how the LGBTQ community had an agenda. There was a lot of talk about fighting their agenda and complaints that they had an agenda. “Why do they have to force their values upon us?” As I experienced it, it was a threat to “our” way of life. 

Quick side note: when I reflect back onto this idea that it was bad for other people to have an agenda, it is ironic given the fact that Christianity is a religion that is largely focused on spreading an agenda. I’m not saying that’s bad. It’s just…many Christians were/are working to force their views on others.

And this is where I return to my capacity to hold space for multiple and seemingly incompatible experiences within me. On one hand, I had been taught that homosexuality is wrong and that anyone saying otherwise needed to be fiercely opposed. However, the core value that I took away from the Bible was loving people. When I read and study Jesus, I see a man who loved people with fierce passion.

Be with people. Love people. Value people. That’s the story of Jesus in the Bible that I read. So when two married women show up at my house, there’s only one clear answer about how I would want to show up: with love and acceptance. 

The two women stuck around for a while. We played games. We had a great time.

I remember someone later asking if one of the women was trans. 

“I have no idea,” I responded. It really hadn’t been a concern of mine. She had shown up at my house and I welcomed her in. Part of me was curious. Part of me was uncomfortable. And all of me was grateful for my upbringing in a Christian culture where I learned that loving others was the most important value I could live out.

Now…that is not what everyone who grows up in a Christian culture believes. That was just my takeaway. For me, my journey from anti-trans to trans-accepting was made possible by my beliefs in what Jesus taught.

The two women continued coming to our house to play games. I was grateful that they felt welcome in our space. I got to know them as the beautiful humans they are and their marriage and identities were just one part of what made them them. In the years to come, my new trans friend would end up spending years working with me, helping me grow in ways I never imagined. Wow, I sure am grateful for her.

After starting our meetup and over the following months and years, I would intentionally read more and more about the LGBTQ+ community. I would see a headline and it was when those “discomfort bells” would ring that I would choose to lean in. I was exposed to an increasingly wider range of human experiences. And my discomfort diminished over time. I let go of my concern that other people’s sexuality and gender identity was a threat to me.

As I reflect back, I’m grateful for the value of loving other people that I derived from studying Jesus. It’s interesting because when I have this conversation with other Christians, I’m sometimes met with comments like, “I feel like that’s the opposite of what I grew up with.” Jesus’ story of love stuck with me in a way that leaves me focused on loving and cherishing others, even when I am uncomfortable. And that’s a really good and beautiful thing.

I find this sliver of my story relevant because I think it is disingenuous to act as though I’ve always been open and accepting of trans identities. As I’ve waded into new questions myself over the last year and a half, I’ve realized how many ideas are deeply embedded into my thinking.

In my January blog, I noted how I was so uncomfortable when I first asked myself questions like, “Do I wish to identify as something other than a man?” Oof, that sent up those discomfort bells. And yet I allowed that to be while also being curious about myself. 

I wish I could look back and say I’ve always been accepting of trans people. But…I wasn’t. (I also didn’t know any openly trans people for most of my life.) It took time, intentionality, and a fierce dedication to the inherent value of each human being for me to overcome my anti-trans views.

In the end, how did I go from having very anti views towards trans people to valuing and embracing trans people? 

I think it was a willingness to listen while uncomfortable. I gave myself permission to have internal conflict between the ideas I believed and others’ experiences that might possibly show me a different perspective. I was also clear on what matters most to me. My clarity in valuing our shared humanity allowed me to read and hear and soak in stories that told a different narrative than I had experienced.

As I’ve chatted with a range of Christians as well as non-Christians in response to my January blog, some have commented that they’re interested in learning more about this shift I experienced. Many of us did grow up with anti-trans views and some of us are seeking to leave those behind.

As is always the case, if you have questions, feel free to ask away! Sometimes people apologize for their curiosity. I love it when someone cares to inquire.

A bit of a ramble today. It feels like my ideas are coming together and they’re still a bit of a mess. (Clear, concise, and articulate ideas are not exactly my specialty, ha!)

Last night, we hosted the murder mystery at our house written by our friends Jenny and Eva. We had 18 people in our house and it was a delight. Stef and I did a lot of diligent work in decorating and preparing the house. Everything from taxidermy to lighting. For roughly three hours, we all milled about, inside and outside, working toward our goals.

In hindsight, I realize now I played my character poorly. Well – I acted my character amazingly. I was a politician and I sure played the personality. However, I failed to meet my goals, and, upon reflection, I see how I could have possibly managed the situation to win! Ha, perhaps next time I will do better.

But that’s not why I’m sitting here writing.

I’ve had ideas slowly coming together that I am starting to better understand.

I love being with people. That’s not a truth of every situation. When I have rich, meaningful time with people I’m pretty much at my happiest state. I absolutely love spending time with other people. This is, of course, balanced by my introverted side of me where I thrive on sitting by the fire, alone.

Last night was one of those magical experiences. I love social games, and this was a three-hour social game. Some in attendance were close friends. Others were strangers. Afterwards, we sat around laughing and deconstructing the evening. It was one of those evenings that left me with such a deep feeling of love and value.

This morning, I woke up with my typical everyone’s-left hangover. However, today it was a much less intense feeling.

I struggle to name this feeling I have that I am calling an “everyone’s-left hangover.”

All my life, whenever there has been a particularly rewarding social gathering, when it ends my insides panic. I begin to feel rather horribly emotionally. It’s a confusing mixture that feels a bit like loss or a big hole.

When family would leave at Thanksgiving, I’d lay in my bed with tears coming down my face. I remember one night, I was on the floor in a sleeping bag because of how full the house was. I laid there crying into my pillow. My mom came in and laid her hand on my back. Even as I write this, I can feel what I felt in that moment.

As I got older, I learned to hide those feelings from others.

Combine that with my period of life where I pushed others away from me, it became a complex set of feelings. I had a great social gathering, it ended, I felt horrible, and I thought that the solution was to hold people at arm’s length (not exactly a logical progression of thoughts).

In the last two weeks, I’ve had two specific instances where I had delightful group social interactions and the post-excellent social experience (PESE), let’s call it for now, was not near as intense or sorrowful.

I realize now that I it is connected to my sense of self-worth.

I derive an inappropriate amount of value from my relationships. I’m guessing it’s normal to derive a fair bit of value from our relationships, but let’s face it: it doesn’t make life better. It makes life volatile.

Here’s my current theory as to why I have historically had such strong PESEs:

I derive significant value from my relationships with people. When I have a wonderful group social interaction, I experience a self-worth high coupled with positive emotions. When everyone leaves, I return to a normal routine and in comparison to my self-worth high, I experience a perceived deficiency in self-worth. In time, sometimes hours or days, my sense of self-worth returns to a normal place and I re-acclimate to my normal routine.

I’m struggling to clearly articulate this as it’s still rolling around in my mind.

In my younger years, pre-early 20s, I had very low self-worth. Following my self-worth high from the group social interaction, my PESE left me alone with my feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing.

Today, my internal conversation is dramatically different. I am still greeted with the PESE low. I think back to last night and I would love to live it over and over. I had such a wonderful time. However, I understand how impractical that is. Additionally, I can acknowledge how I enjoy spending time by myself, spending time with the kiddos, spending time with my wife, and other activities throughout the week that don’t involve social gatherings. (I’m close to the middle on the introvert/extrovert scale).

With regards to the severity of my PESE, I am delighted to say that the low still exists and today I am greeted not by my lack of worth, rather, I am encouraged by the love I experience in my many friendships. And that, that is something to be proud of and derive value out of. I am now not just deriving self-value out of the fact that I have these delightful relationships. For, in the past, I didn’t believe I was worth the relationship.

Today, I literally look in the mirror, tell myself that I’m awesome and “I love you.” I am worthy of having these relationships. I’m a loving, vulnerable, and authentic man. And I am worthy of loving and being loved. And now, I get to plot how I can have more beautiful experiences in the future.

Today’s PESE doesn’t have to be something painful. It’s a natural low that will occur when I have such wonderful and beautiful social highs. Today, I know I love and am loved. What a beautiful place to be.