Redressing Rejection – Part 1: Cowering Under the Table

It was as though an invisible force was pushing me away from the table. People would walk by. Surely there was someplace else I could be. Maybe a phone call I could make. Someone I know that I could talk to. Is there? No, not really.

It was early March and I was at a medical conference in Philadelphia. I was a corporate sponsor of the event. And I was supposed to have my all-star employee, Eva, with me. Unfortunately, influenza had claimed her. And thus, I had no shield for the rampant rejection all around me.

I had a booth primely positioned. People would walk by and hardly look at me.

Ouch.

Anything I could do other than be here would be great. But…I was the only one from my company there. I’m the freaking owner. Grow up and talk to these people.

I was nearly paralyzed. I pushed through. It was hard.

And it was at this point that I realized how badly my fears of rejection have been influencing my life. They’re not only affecting my relationships, which is extremely intangible. It’s actually costing me money as I behave like a scared animal cowering under the table. (I wasn’t literally under the table, but I sure would have felt safer there.)

I’ve been aware for a while that these fears exist, but I didn’t realize the extent it is impacting my life. And then and there, I decided I would tackle this.

This time, I’m aware.

Ten years ago, I started a journey of facing down my deep sense of unworthiness and learning to love myself. And I came out on top, like a champ.

Ten years ago, I didn’t know I could tackle such deep-seated beliefs that were dictating my life. Today, it’s a very different thing. And I find myself in such a cool position: I get to document my process and be aware of what’s happening in me and how it is affecting my life today.

One of the first things I did was sign up for a leadership program in Nevada. I haven’t gone yet. I look forward to attending that and experiencing beautiful growth and increasing my toolkit.

I have started realizing how many micro-decisions I make each and every day that are driven by my fear of being rejected. I fear being rejected when there’s a practical likelihood I’ll be rejected. I fear being rejected when there’s no rational reason to be concerned.

PJ Levingston, a good friend and business coach, told me this past week that my fear of rejection is unlikely to ever be gone. It’s all about learning to exercise the “muscles” that allow me to act in spite of my fears.

Acting in the face of my fears has come out in various little ways. Like seeing a friend standing in the coffee shop and walking in to see if he’s free for lunch (he wasn’t).

Sometimes I’m terrified, sometimes I’m not – what’s the difference?

“Luke, you don’t put yourself in enough uncomfortable situations,” my friend stated earlier this year.

“Uh, what? I put myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations!”

“Just situations you control,” he clarified.

I bristled at the comment. I knew he was wrong. But I couldn’t quite put my finger on why he was wrong. He was correct that I avoid certain situations…but he was wrong about why…

I’m going to audition – why not?

In March, Matt Carder and I were eating lunch and he told me about this cool. Our Muncie Civic Theater was having auditions in May. It was a monologue where the actor interacts with the audience. It’s called Every Brilliant Thing.

How cool!

Matt gave me the details to go look it up online and I did. It was the youngest child’s dream of a play: one actor who gets to entertain and engage a captive audience for an hour. Yes, please!

But… I’ve never done any theater. I act every single day with my kids. Speaking and live streaming is basically a monologue with a tough crowd you’re trying to engage. Ok…I’ll go for it.

I pestered the Muncie Civic Theater Facebook page with questions about when they would announce auditions. Then, with even more questions after they announced the dates (yup, I’m that guy).

Once the audition form was live, I took a while to fill it out. Auditioning meant putting myself on the chopping block. Auditioning meant putting myself out there for rejection. It also meant auditioning, and that sounded kinda cool.

We already had camping plans for the weekend of the auditions (May 18). Stef was so supportive of me driving two hours back to Muncie to try out. When we got the sides (sections of the play…never heard of a “side” before), I printed them off, made a little booklet, and practiced nearly every day.

I decided that my goal was to audition and get a callback (round two). Regardless, I was going to audition. And I was going to do it in spite of my fears. I was flying in the face of fears that have plagued my life. And if I didn’t get the part, that was okay! I came to such a peaceful place. Would I get the part? Probably not. But that wasn’t going to stop me!

I was feeling pretty good about it. I had heard there might be three people selected for the three weekends. Hmm, I probably have a shot at that.

Then Matt brought reality back to me when he pointed out they weren’t going to select three white males. Oh…yeah…that’s kind of obvious…now. My hopes fell and my fears of rejection hit hard. I stopped practicing a couple nights.

Longer story shorter(ish), I drove out to Muncie on Saturday morning with butterflies. The first thing the director says is for people to come up to the apron. I looked at the guy next to me, “What did she just say?” “Come up to the apron.” “Apron??” “The front of the stage.” Oh dear, I was so fresh here. I’d never even stepped foot in the theater.
I auditioned. It was insanely fun. I put myself out there.

I caught the director at one point, Tracena Marie, and asked for a selfie with the theater in the background. I had decided earlier that morning that I wanted to get pictures of me going through my day. I was acting against my fears and I was so proud of myself.

I caught Tracena off guard (unintentionally) and got this pic:

I give it my all. I had fun. I was nervous. I laughed. I cheered for the others. It was one of the best days of my life. I left the audition on cloud nine. I achieved my competitive goal to make it to round two!

Have you ever had that? When you’re going through your day and you have these butterflies in your stomach, the good kind. And you think, “Wow, I’m having a really good day!” I must be having a really good day.

Waiting…and the fears crept back in…

Sunday, I was driving back home from camping and all I could think about was, “What if I didn’t fill out one of the questions on the forms thoroughly enough?” I wanted to reach out to the director and clarify. I wanted to give better answers. What if I was rejected because I was lazy and didn’t feel like being super detailed in my answers?

Calm yourself.

Oh, but that can be so hard.

I resisted.

It was okay if I didn’t get the part.

I kept thinking about all the other great actors and actresses competing for the role. I was good. I believed that. I could be great. But was I what the director was looking for? That was where I found my peace. This wasn’t about whether or not I was the best actor. The question was whether or not I was the right person for this director’s play.

I told Stef that I was equally concerned about how my fears would respond if I got the part. I would feel a strong feeling of acceptance and confirmation of my value. While on some levels this is reasonable, it would be coming from my fears of rejection. I would feel “accepted” because I got the part. Not because I’m content without it.

Sunday night, I sat down to start working on this post. I wanted to start pounding out my thoughts before I found out if I got the part or not. I got an email around 10:00pm.
“Please email me back confirming that you accept this role.”

I read it so many times.

Wait, is this actually real? Yes. Is it? Yes. Let me go read it again. Still says the same thing. Ok, you can reply, Luke… “Woohoo! Yes!”

So here’s my current working theory.

I throw parties of various sorts, I love hosting. Invite me to your party and…uh, if I don’t know many people, I’m unlikely to show my face (unless it’s a special occasion for you).

When discussing this with some dear friends earlier this year, one commented, “You control the environment.”

It was a similar suggestion as what my other friend had said. On the surface, it seemed sensible. But it wasn’t. So, what was really going on?

For a while now I’ve thought it had to do with the “footing” everyone had.

Meaning, if it was a room where I knew pretty much everyone, I thrived. If it’s a room full of people where many know each other and I don’t, I shrink back. If it’s a room full of strangers and nobody knows anybody, I thrive.

I think that the “footing” concept is correct in many ways. However, it lacks the picture of what’s really happening inside me.

Presently, I think it has to do with my likelihood to be rejected.

When I walk into a room and see everyone talking in small groups and I don’t know anyone very well, I have zero clue as to how to go about inserting myself into a conversation. I lack those social skills. As a result, I’m quite likely to walk up to a group, feel awkward, and not feel included and then feel rejected.

So, what’s likely really happening when I am adverse to a particular social environment, it has to do with how I perceive my likelihood to feel rejected.

I put myself in extremely uncomfortable situations in which I control very little. I shy away from situations which bring my fears of rejection to the surface.

Exercising my anti-rejection muscles.

In the past, I thought some of the feelings I had were relating to my sense of worthiness. They’re so intertwined it’s hard to completely be sure as I’m dealing with my subconscious mind. At the audition, I felt at home. And it felt great. And that is great. Yet, I also was feeling those feelings in part because I felt accepted and my fears so deeply desire to feel that.

Side note: I don’t rationally feel like I’m rejected. That’s the crazy part about dealing with underlying beliefs. I have an incredible group of friends, family, business colleagues, and clients. It’s pretty obvious that I’m “accepted.” But it’s about learning to act in spite of these feelings and not papering over them with pointing to other peoples’ experience of me. I need to be at peace and accept myself and then just revel in all the beautiful experiences.

I realized beforehand that if I got the part, I was going to feel accepted. I felt the natural high of “oh my gosh, I tried out for this play AND I GOT IT!” mixed with complex feelings of being accepted. The former is great. The latter is complicated and not entirely healthy.

I think it’s all a combination of worthiness and rejection. And that’s a discussion for another day.

For now, I’m learning to fly in the face of my fears. Sometimes, I take an action that feels terrifying. Like asking Adam to take a selfie with me before the auditions started and he accepts.

Or, it looks like trying out for a play and actually getting the role.

And then there are times I actually get rejected. PJ told me, “Luke, you’re going to get rejected. Things are going to go wrong. And that’s okay! Now it’s just about learning to exercise that muscle.”

And this time, exercising that muscle landed me the role in a one-person play: Every Brilliant Thing.