Last year, I shared my darkest night when I came face to face with self-hatred so fierce I questioned living. Unlike so many others, the thought of killing myself was brief. Yet, the self-loathing continued.
My solution to my pain was to push people away. I loved my family, I was soon dating a wonderful young woman, and I had a handful of friends. But…I didn’t have many people who knew me deeply.
I graduated high school a semester early and simply dropped out of contact. I left friends behind, friends who had loved and cared for me. Friends with whom I had shared many, many treasured experiences. Instead of feeling that love, I felt pain.
No one really knew the pain I felt. On the outside, I looked great. I was confident, skilled, and had a great family. I was an 18-year-old direct-admit to the Kelley School of Business which I dropped out of after a year. I was a supervisor at Starbucks with an incredible team. In the spring of 2009, I started my business.
In October of 2009, there I was working the register at Starbucks when a gentleman looked at me and asked about my life. We recognized each other from a business networking event. “Do you want to take your life to another level to meet your goals?”
At that time in my life, I was thirsting for more. I think part of myself was desperate for change, but I didn’t believe I was worthy of it.
The program was 5 days long: three evenings and then Saturday and Sunday.
On Friday evening, we played a “game.” It was a process for us to go through and then evaluate how our behavior within the “game” was reflected throughout our lives.
I spent the entire game standing by myself in the back of a room filled with some thirty people. I was trying to figure it out. Alone.
The night ended, we were told to contemplate what happened. I didn’t really think much of it.
Saturday morning started with us sitting with our small groups. My small group leader, Shawn, asked how I behaved. I shared the above and she looked at me and said, “How does that show up in your life?”
I briefly considered and then shared, “Well, I tend to distance myself from people. I don’t have many close friends. And I like it that way.”
Shawn looked at me with such caring eyes and said, “Luke, I don’t think you believe that.”
Something deep inside me leaped.
I cocked my head, looked back at her, and said, “You’re right, I don’t.”
The course I was headed down got a beautiful and immediate course correction.
That night, I sat in my car in a parking lot just down the street from the place where the workshop was held. I dialed friend after friend, calling people I had ignored for the last two years. People who I spent years with and countless experiences. People I loved and missed but had hidden from out of pain.
Over the following months, I came face-to-face with my deep sense of unworthiness. Many, many days I shed tears as the feelings of worthlessness faced the new beliefs blossoming that said yes, I am worthy of being loved.
The photos at the top are a few I found on Facebook. Photos with me and people I loved so dearly from my high school years. People I pushed away. And now, many of those people I’ve not only reconnected with, I correspond with regularly. Some of whom continue to be my dearest friends.
“Thank you”feels so inadequate, to Monty (the gentleman who found me at Starbucks) and Shawn, my small group coach. The two of you helped me achieve a change I was desperate to begin and was so scared to pursue. So…thank you. 🙂 I will be grateful for you and tell my children and grandchildren of the impact you had on my life. Your willingness to show up for me has enabled me to be a light to others. Thank you.