A bit of a ramble today. It feels like my ideas are coming together and they’re still a bit of a mess. (Clear, concise, and articulate ideas are not exactly my specialty, ha!)
Last night, we hosted the murder mystery at our house written by our friends Jenny and Eva. We had 18 people in our house and it was a delight. Stef and I did a lot of diligent work in decorating and preparing the house. Everything from taxidermy to lighting. For roughly three hours, we all milled about, inside and outside, working toward our goals.
In hindsight, I realize now I played my character poorly. Well – I acted my character amazingly. I was a politician and I sure played the personality. However, I failed to meet my goals, and, upon reflection, I see how I could have possibly managed the situation to win! Ha, perhaps next time I will do better.
But that’s not why I’m sitting here writing.
I’ve had ideas slowly coming together that I am starting to better understand.
I love being with people. That’s not a truth of every situation. When I have rich, meaningful time with people I’m pretty much at my happiest state. I absolutely love spending time with other people. This is, of course, balanced by my introverted side of me where I thrive on sitting by the fire, alone.
Last night was one of those magical experiences. I love social games, and this was a three-hour social game. Some in attendance were close friends. Others were strangers. Afterwards, we sat around laughing and deconstructing the evening. It was one of those evenings that left me with such a deep feeling of love and value.
This morning, I woke up with my typical everyone’s-left hangover. However, today it was a much less intense feeling.
I struggle to name this feeling I have that I am calling an “everyone’s-left hangover.”
All my life, whenever there has been a particularly rewarding social gathering, when it ends my insides panic. I begin to feel rather horribly emotionally. It’s a confusing mixture that feels a bit like loss or a big hole.
When family would leave at Thanksgiving, I’d lay in my bed with tears coming down my face. I remember one night, I was on the floor in a sleeping bag because of how full the house was. I laid there crying into my pillow. My mom came in and laid her hand on my back. Even as I write this, I can feel what I felt in that moment.
As I got older, I learned to hide those feelings from others.
Combine that with my period of life where I pushed others away from me, it became a complex set of feelings. I had a great social gathering, it ended, I felt horrible, and I thought that the solution was to hold people at arm’s length (not exactly a logical progression of thoughts).
In the last two weeks, I’ve had two specific instances where I had delightful group social interactions and the post-excellent social experience (PESE), let’s call it for now, was not near as intense or sorrowful.
I realize now that I it is connected to my sense of self-worth.
I derive an inappropriate amount of value from my relationships. I’m guessing it’s normal to derive a fair bit of value from our relationships, but let’s face it: it doesn’t make life better. It makes life volatile.
Here’s my current theory as to why I have historically had such strong PESEs:
I derive significant value from my relationships with people. When I have a wonderful group social interaction, I experience a self-worth high coupled with positive emotions. When everyone leaves, I return to a normal routine and in comparison to my self-worth high, I experience a perceived deficiency in self-worth. In time, sometimes hours or days, my sense of self-worth returns to a normal place and I re-acclimate to my normal routine.
I’m struggling to clearly articulate this as it’s still rolling around in my mind.
In my younger years, pre-early 20s, I had very low self-worth. Following my self-worth high from the group social interaction, my PESE left me alone with my feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing.
Today, my internal conversation is dramatically different. I am still greeted with the PESE low. I think back to last night and I would love to live it over and over. I had such a wonderful time. However, I understand how impractical that is. Additionally, I can acknowledge how I enjoy spending time by myself, spending time with the kiddos, spending time with my wife, and other activities throughout the week that don’t involve social gatherings. (I’m close to the middle on the introvert/extrovert scale).
With regards to the severity of my PESE, I am delighted to say that the low still exists and today I am greeted not by my lack of worth, rather, I am encouraged by the love I experience in my many friendships. And that, that is something to be proud of and derive value out of. I am now not just deriving self-value out of the fact that I have these delightful relationships. For, in the past, I didn’t believe I was worth the relationship.
Today, I literally look in the mirror, tell myself that I’m awesome and “I love you.” I am worthy of having these relationships. I’m a loving, vulnerable, and authentic man. And I am worthy of loving and being loved. And now, I get to plot how I can have more beautiful experiences in the future.
Today’s PESE doesn’t have to be something painful. It’s a natural low that will occur when I have such wonderful and beautiful social highs. Today, I know I love and am loved. What a beautiful place to be.
This is fantastic!