I sat on the couch watching as a woman injected heroin into her neck. Along with others, she had been in and out of treatment. Another woman, before opioid addiction had sunk its teeth into her life, had been active in her church community. Now, she was living in a house along with others who had similar addictions. To access drugs, she would visit open houses of homes for sale to go through people’s medicine cabinets. These were just two peoples’ stories.
It was a lot to take in.
I was both uncomfortable and had this internal sense that this was important for me to experience. As I watched Chasing Heroin from Frontline and listened to these people’s stories, they were humanized.
At the time, Stef and I were going through foster care training. A lot of the kiddos that are “in the system” have parents who are dealing with drug addictions. I don’t remember why exactly I watched this documentary. I’m assuming someone mentioned it at a training.
Yes, I was uncomfortable watching this. I could feel my insides squirm at times. And yet I watched it with an openness to listen and understand.
This is something that I have cultivated: the capacity to have two or more experiences simultaneously that may seem antithetical by nature.
This is a trait I see play out in all kinds of areas of my life. I am a person who can make up my mind and listen to alternative ideas being genuinely curious and open to changing my own perspectives. I really love this about myself.
Growing up, I absorbed cultural ideas that people who are “addicts” are somehow “less than.” Less than what…? I guess the answer was people who weren’t addicted to drugs. I heard this both as a general cultural narrative as well as from within the Christian community because addiction is “wrong”.
As I watched people shooting up in the Frontline episode, I experienced discomfort while also holding space to be curious and learn.
I grew up in what many would call “conservative Christian culture”. I don’t love that title because it is often used as a means to degrade or dismiss others. It also reduces the complexity of both conservative views and Christian views.
What’s intriguing to me about my journey is how I look back and point to this “conservative Christian” upbringing as what drives me to be loving and accepting of people from such a wide range of backgrounds.
Whether it was at school, at church, or on talk radio shows like Rush Limbaugh, I soaked in the ideas that men are supposed to be manly and women should be valued and that, among other things, they make hella homemakers.
I would also hear comments like, “Oh, he had surgery so now I’m supposed to call him a she?” I’d hear comments about how it was so difficult and these people were just attention-seeking and coming up with reasons to indulge their sexual nature and that they were…sinners.
I remember saying degrading things like, “Oh the LGBTABCDEFG-whatever the heck letters now…”
Oof, it’s painful to acknowledge this. And, I think it is important to recognize this.
The above paints a single-story narrative about my mindset. I hear all kinds of people reduce “conservative Christians” to the above types of behavior and thinking.
But…there is so much more to the story of growing up immersed in an environment that loved and followed the teachings of Jesus.
While I did grow up hearing things that would be considered by many as anti-trans, homophobic, etc, it is core to my story that I also had other values that permeated my mind. Things like, “Jesus welcomed the outcast with open arms,” as well as, “God loves everyone.”
I grew up studying the Bible and learning how Jesus stood up to the religious elitists who were gatekeeping who could be part of the “in” crowd. I grew up with stories about how God was filled with love for all.
So there I was, sitting on the couch as Chasing Heroin ended. Whew.
I scrolled through some of the future episodes and one title stood out to me:
Growing Up Trans
My insides started to squirm even more.
Somewhere along my personal journey, I have learned to lean in when I feel uncomfortable. The discomfort is often a sign that there’s something I want to explore.
I clicked play.
What followed was an hour and a half of discomfort and new perspectives into experiences I had never been exposed to. You see, I had a single-story narrative about trans people.
I can’t say I garnered some particular perspective or knowledge from watching this episode. Just…it was an important marker in this journey of shedding anti-trans ideas. It opened the door to me asking myself, “What more can I learn to better understand others to be more loving and compassionate?”
Let’s rewind a few years.
We moved to Muncie from Downtown Indianapolis. What led us to leave a cool high-rise apartment to…Muncie? We wanted community.
Before moving, we determined we would start a meetup for board gaming. We found a home to rent, we started the meetup, we posted our first event, and we were nervous. New people would be coming to our house, or at least I sure hoped people would come.
We continued hosting the meetups for a few years. We were regularly having new folks joining, which was always a delight for me. I remember two women came to our house.
They were married.
They weren’t my first gay friends. Just…I still held this idea in my head that somehow someone else being anything other than heterosexual affected me.
I grew up hearing from Christians how the LGBTQ community had an agenda. There was a lot of talk about fighting their agenda and complaints that they had an agenda. “Why do they have to force their values upon us?” As I experienced it, it was a threat to “our” way of life.
Quick side note: when I reflect back onto this idea that it was bad for other people to have an agenda, it is ironic given the fact that Christianity is a religion that is largely focused on spreading an agenda. I’m not saying that’s bad. It’s just…many Christians were/are working to force their views on others.
And this is where I return to my capacity to hold space for multiple and seemingly incompatible experiences within me. On one hand, I had been taught that homosexuality is wrong and that anyone saying otherwise needed to be fiercely opposed. However, the core value that I took away from the Bible was loving people. When I read and study Jesus, I see a man who loved people with fierce passion.
Be with people. Love people. Value people. That’s the story of Jesus in the Bible that I read. So when two married women show up at my house, there’s only one clear answer about how I would want to show up: with love and acceptance.
The two women stuck around for a while. We played games. We had a great time.
I remember someone later asking if one of the women was trans.
“I have no idea,” I responded. It really hadn’t been a concern of mine. She had shown up at my house and I welcomed her in. Part of me was curious. Part of me was uncomfortable. And all of me was grateful for my upbringing in a Christian culture where I learned that loving others was the most important value I could live out.
Now…that is not what everyone who grows up in a Christian culture believes. That was just my takeaway. For me, my journey from anti-trans to trans-accepting was made possible by my beliefs in what Jesus taught.
The two women continued coming to our house to play games. I was grateful that they felt welcome in our space. I got to know them as the beautiful humans they are and their marriage and identities were just one part of what made them them. In the years to come, my new trans friend would end up spending years working with me, helping me grow in ways I never imagined. Wow, I sure am grateful for her.
After starting our meetup and over the following months and years, I would intentionally read more and more about the LGBTQ+ community. I would see a headline and it was when those “discomfort bells” would ring that I would choose to lean in. I was exposed to an increasingly wider range of human experiences. And my discomfort diminished over time. I let go of my concern that other people’s sexuality and gender identity was a threat to me.
As I reflect back, I’m grateful for the value of loving other people that I derived from studying Jesus. It’s interesting because when I have this conversation with other Christians, I’m sometimes met with comments like, “I feel like that’s the opposite of what I grew up with.” Jesus’ story of love stuck with me in a way that leaves me focused on loving and cherishing others, even when I am uncomfortable. And that’s a really good and beautiful thing.
I find this sliver of my story relevant because I think it is disingenuous to act as though I’ve always been open and accepting of trans identities. As I’ve waded into new questions myself over the last year and a half, I’ve realized how many ideas are deeply embedded into my thinking.
In my January blog, I noted how I was so uncomfortable when I first asked myself questions like, “Do I wish to identify as something other than a man?” Oof, that sent up those discomfort bells. And yet I allowed that to be while also being curious about myself.
I wish I could look back and say I’ve always been accepting of trans people. But…I wasn’t. (I also didn’t know any openly trans people for most of my life.) It took time, intentionality, and a fierce dedication to the inherent value of each human being for me to overcome my anti-trans views.
In the end, how did I go from having very anti views towards trans people to valuing and embracing trans people?
I think it was a willingness to listen while uncomfortable. I gave myself permission to have internal conflict between the ideas I believed and others’ experiences that might possibly show me a different perspective. I was also clear on what matters most to me. My clarity in valuing our shared humanity allowed me to read and hear and soak in stories that told a different narrative than I had experienced.
As I’ve chatted with a range of Christians as well as non-Christians in response to my January blog, some have commented that they’re interested in learning more about this shift I experienced. Many of us did grow up with anti-trans views and some of us are seeking to leave those behind.
As is always the case, if you have questions, feel free to ask away! Sometimes people apologize for their curiosity. I love it when someone cares to inquire.
An ethereal voice calls: AAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAA Elsa: Do you hear that? Kai: What? Elsa: Nevermind.
I grew up in a Christian household, attending church, and immersed in Christian culture. There is a lot of talk about hearing and responding to the calling of God’s purpose in our life.
I’ve noticed that throughout my entire life, I have always had this sense of being drawn forward, drawn toward impact, drawn toward a purposeful future of discomfort that will be exchanged for beautiful ripple effects in the world.
Some of my favorite stories from the bible are stories about people who were responding to God’s calling. For example, a young Solomon hears God’s voice calling to him. God offers him anything and Solomon asks for wisdom. From a very young age, I latched onto this story.
I know I’m not unique to have this sense of purpose for global impact. Though, part of me wants to believe I am.
Ha, oh how our brains like to be special and unique.
When I saw Frozen II, I was hooked. For so. many. reasons. I’ve shared a bit of this here. However, that only offers a tiny glimpse into what all I love and derive from this film. Here, I’m going to share just one piece of why this film is not only dear to me, it is fuel for me.
I absolutely love and adore Elsa.
When I was reflecting on this recently, Stef commented, “You see so much of yourself in Elsa.”
Yes.
My personal journey of learning to love myself collided with Frozen II, put my personal growth into hyperdrive, and has fundamentally affected my life. This isn’t just a story I love. This is a story I use to fuel my being.
After the opening scene and the movie title, Frozen II, is displayed across the screen, the camera carries us over the waters toward Arendelle. As we near the castle, we find Elsa standing on the balcony, gazing off into the distance.
THIS.
I was hooked. I mean, the opening scene with young Anna and Elsa is so freaking cute, I was already hooked.
But this was different.
As the camera glides toward Elsa, we hear the final lyrics of the movie’s first song, When all is lost, then all is found.
I could feel the potency of her gazing off the balcony. It wasn’t a casual, “Here I am, a Disney character just living my happily-ever-after life.” No, not at all. This was chocked full of mature, adult human experience. This was a woman contemplating where and who she was in the world, reflecting on memories of beauty and loss.
It was clear to me that this was not going to be a cutesy film. This film was packed with deep and affecting themes.
I made friends with a delightful woman from Japan, who goes by 5m_mila on Instagram. She was kind enough to be willing to create five drawings for me. I wanted an art series about Elsa’s transformation. But…which one? There were multiple transformations in this film. I spent weeks contemplating what the arc should be.
I wondered…what will be most powerful for me?
I decided to focus on an arc that I feel like both gets less attention than other aspects of the movie and rings incredibly true for me.
What follows is the series Mila drew, the text I’ve currently selected to go with each, and then a slightly longer explanation of why these resonate. Also, an important note, while I think these can happen sequentially, they can also happen simultaneously and can come in waves. This transformation isn’t a process that one goes through and is automatically complete.
You might notice that I shift around in my writing from talking about “her” (Elsa), to first person, to a general “you”, and to “we” (sometimes referring to me and Elsa, other times referring to people who feel a similar calling). I considered editing for consistency. But I think that’s part of the beauty in how this reflects me seeing myself in Elsa.
a sense of something which could be that should be
contemplation | something is missing
I live in a near-perpetual state of, “There’s something for me to be doing on this planet.” Even if I am doing it, there’s this clear sense of mission and purpose. It’s a belief that, until I die, my work continues.
I’ve heard from individuals and film reviewers, “Why did Elsa leave Arendelle on a whim?”
My response here is highly colored by my own personal experience:
She did not leave on a whim.
Elsa is the only known person in her universe that has magical powers invested in her. And I have a lot of thoughts about how this both makes sense and why, if she were to have children, those powers would not pass onto them.
So far, we’ve seen Elsa use her powers to accidentally freeze her kingdom and then unfreeze it, and to create beautiful ice decorations.
I imagine her wondering, “Is this what I’m meant to do with what I’ve been given? Is there something more out there for me than creating ice decorations?” (The director has confirmed this.)
Given the song’s lyrics as the camera moves in toward Elsa here, When all is lost, then all is found, I like to think she’s remembering her mother, Iduna. She feels a tension between being the kingdom’s ruler and her own, unique journey. She’s Queen because…she’s the queen. Not because she ever necessarily chose it.
torn between where i am and where i want to be
doubt | confusion
For Elsa, her magical powers have been a source of immense and traumatic pain. Here, with the magic gently emanating from her hands, there’s this history of pain met with wondering if she’s to be somewhere else.
What is that somewhere else? I’m guessing that she has absolutely no idea. She just has this knowing: There’s more in this life for me than to be Queen of Arendelle.
It’s confusing because she is Queen and why should she be unhappy with such a position? Isn’t this good enough? Shouldn’t it be?
She might think she’s an okay queen (though, undoubtedly she is plagued by her past trauma). She probably believes that someone else would probably be a much better ruler of her people. She believes there’s something else for her…but doubts her capacity and worthiness to pursue it, let alone attain it.
This results in cognitive dissonance: I’m meant for something else; I don’t believe I can be that something else.
wondering if i have what it takes
questioning | fear
The voice, that internal sense, that calling, that belief that we’re meant to be doing something else…it gets stronger. And as it gets stronger, it’s harder to ignore. When we look in the mirror, we have that doubt and also a quiet whisper in our minds that says, “Yes, I’m worth this. Yes, I can go all-in on me.”
Fears whisper, “You don’t have what it takes. You won’t do it right. Someone else should do this. Not you.”
But each time you hear that voice, each time you feel that calling, you get pulled further into tension. You want to take that leap, but you just aren’t sure you have what it takes.
There are only two options from here.
One path is to ignore it. To stay where I am. To continue my current path. And for me, this is where my spirit suffers. A part of me wilts inside. I’ve been in this place for years in the past, when I knew that what I was doing was not what I was meant to do. It didn’t invalidate what I was doing. But instead of following the voice inside me, I bowed to my fears.
The other option is to listen to that voice, in spite of the fears, and venture into the unknown.
experiencing the thrill of what could be
accepting potential | joy
Brené Brown calls joy the most vulnerable emotion. It’s in this stage of this transformation that things get really scary. You’ve decided that you will move toward your future, your calling. But…you still have those fears.
I love Elsa’s posture here. It’s that vulnerable, openness to possibilities, the belief and sense that things are right. When you close your eyes, you just know that you’re being who you were meant to be.
For her, her magic courses through her and begins to manifest in more ways. This magic, which has been the source of so much pain, is growing and revealing new beauty and power.
It’s here that we feel the power within. It’s here that we know: this is what I was born for.
The acceptance here is critical to being able to follow that voice.
at the crossroads of my calling and comfort
terrifying | exhilaration
It is at this moment when the need to choose becomes clear: the path forward is not one of comfort. To follow this voice, this calling, this purpose, we have to make choices. Choices that will be necessary, choices that may leave me feeling vulnerable, choices that mean the life I’ve lived so far will not be the life I continue to live.
For me, and as I see it in Elsa, it’s a combination of terror and exhilaration. The heart is pounding as we look out and ask, “Can I really take this leap?”
Elsa’s hand is outstretched toward this future she wants so desperately. What will she have to go through to create this new reality? What will she have to give up? And how long will she wait to pursue this?
And here’s the truth of it all: it’s not actually a choice between calling and comfort. Because if we stay where we are, we will never feel true to ourselves and we will never experience peace or comfort.
Update (And Spoiler Alert)
My friend and fellow Frozen co-conspirator, DaimonLyra, pointed out something that is incredibly important to this transformation process that we see in the movie.
Anna loves her sister and another one of the magnificent elements of this film is how she and Elsa must learn what it means to dearly love one another and have separate journeys.
Anna: Who will stop you from going too far? Elsa: You said you believed in me that this was what I was born to do. Anna: And—I don’t want to stop you from that. I—I don’t want to stop you from being whatever you need to be.
From my friend, DL:
Elsa, for the first time, affirms something she wants to do and Anna is against the idea. A loved one could be against your path to fulfillment, and maybe having some good reasons. But sometimes there is only one way.
Yet again, this show demonstrates an incredible depth that some reviewers miss entirely. I remember one complaining, “Didn’t Elsa learn anything from the first movie?” Yes, she did, and she’s still Elsa.
The lesson from my friend is this: obstacles can be in the form of loved ones. And it is our job to determine how or what, if anything, we do with this as we step out into the unknown in pursuit of ourselves and our calling.
Displaying this Series
I am working on a physical display for this series. As I’ve been contemplating how this should be done, I am enjoying reflecting on the words that correspond with each drawing..
The art arrived recently after having traversed the Pacific ocean.
My plans are to display it in some format that has the text visible alongside each photo.
I look forward to reflecting on this art for years to come to remind myself of the beauty and transformation of following the voice calling me forward.
This art series is a beautiful way I am investing in myself, my current journey, and my future journeys. It’s a reminder of the influence we all have on each other when we pursue our passions, love ourselves, and believe in our own potential. Elsa’s journey inspires me to go all in on me and my journey, to be willing to venture into the unknown.
For those who don’t know, that’s a quote from Frozen II. And while my journey began long ago, that is where this chapter begins.
I took my family to the theater, something I rarely do (watching TV and movies isn’t really my thing). We went to see Frozen II on the night before opening night. We watched the film and while it has some gaping plot holes and subpar world-building, the character arcs were extraordinary. It climaxed with a story of total self-acceptance.
I was captivated.
For over a decade, I’ve been on a journey of learning to love myself fully. I didn’t quite know what that meant until December 31, 2020. That’s a story for another time that I will tell.
A few years ago, I shifted into an active pursuit of learning to love myself when I realized how much my subconscious beliefs and thoughts were holding me back. That’s when I consciously started pursuing self-love (though I had begun that journey starting November 2009).
I was captivated by Frozen II and Elsa. I had no words for it at the time and to this day I still lack the ability to fully articulate it. I left the theater in tears and when we got home, I looked at Stef and said, “I want to go see it again.”
I ended up seeing it thirteen times in theaters. (I wrote a post months ago sharing some reasons why I loved it. Writing and not posting seems to be a thing of mine. 🤔)
Nothing like watching the film with one of your best friends 😀We’re all rocking our Frozen II shirts!
My love of a Disney princess/queen (she’s sold in the princess line but she’s not a princess…this is of fierce debate among some Disney fans 😜) presented a problem.
It’s not normal or okay for a man to love an animated princess.
No one ever explicitly told me that, I don’t think. It’s just a cultural thing. I’m supposed to like Star Wars (I don’t) and I’m supposed to appreciate Disney family films because I’m a dad (I do) but I’m not supposed to love the characters beyond appreciating their values.
Something like that.
I was extremely uncomfortable with how drawn I was to Elsa and Frozen II. I remember seeing how others in the fandom would put scenes from the film on their phone backgrounds. I was so uncomfortable to put Elsa as my background. I had thoughts whirling around my head that not only would others judge me, there was just something “not right” about it.
I started collecting Frozen II t-shirts. I wore them all the time. Wait, no, I wear them all the time.
I have these characters, mostly Elsa with Anna and Iduna sprinkled in, all around my life so I am reminded of them constantly. Something about them just leaves me at peace. Loving this show, which goes against the societal norm, was and continues to be a self-fulfilling act of loving and embracing my own unique spot in the world. By loving these characters, I further the love of myself.
Sometimes I’ll just look at something from the show and I feel a sigh move through my body and I think, “Ah, okay, everything is going to be just fine.”
Why shy away from something so beautiful? While I was (and still am at times) uncomfortable with how some view this as inappropriate behavior for a “grown man,” I persisted. I choose me over the opinions of others.
Early 2020, I began to be aware of how my passion for this film was completely gender nonconforming. Society subtly told a story of how I should be as a man and passionately loving this series wasn’t really part of that.
To be clear, none of the people close to me tell me that message. In fact, I’ve received quite the opposite response from my loved ones. It’s a delight and has been extremely empowering to have so many wonderful people around me so supportive of my passion for Elsa and Frozen II.
After watching Frozen II over a dozen times, I wanted to dress up like Elsa. Hmm, how could I justify that? Ah, I know! What if I cosplayed as Elsa? That would be super fun and that would be something that would be in a box that people would be able to justify.
But…it was more than just wanting to dress up as this character I admire…
I found myself thinking the following: I want to dress up and look pretty like Elsa.
That stood out to me because those words have never crossed my mind before. Perhaps they had rolled around subconsciously, but I had never recognized that they existed so concretely.
Thus, I began the process of finding a person to make a costume so I could dress up like this hero of mine.
So, this could be an extremely long story where I tell you all of the little steps along the way. I’m going to attempt to condense this down a bit (ha, now that’s a joke for those who know my storytelling). And…it’s still gonna be really long.
I started working with a mindset coach in April 2020. Her name is Kori Linn and I’d recommend her to everyone. And that, too, is a story for another day. She’s a powerhouse for helping rewire thought patterns that are holding one back. While our focus has largely been on elevating how I show up in my business, we’ve touched on every aspect of my life.
I was so uncomfortable to talk about my love of Frozen at first with her. I did and she offered me this question to ponder:
What if your love of Elsa and Frozen II is something that’s RIGHT about you? Your brain keeps asking if it means something is wrong, but what if it’s not only fine but beyond that – what if it’s deeply wonderful?
Kori Linn
This set the stage for me to become more comfortable with my passion for this film and the characters.
As my comfort grew, I found myself enjoying sharing more about my love of this show. It resulted in some really wonderful and beautiful new friendships. Woot! I love human connection. It also grew my appreciation for others who were feeling a love for something “feminine” where society was telling them it is “wrong”.
How could rich and beautiful human connection be labeled as “bad” just because the activities were generally considered feminine? And while we’re on the topic, what’s wrong with me admiring and wanting to be a fictional female character?
Hold up…am I actually saying I admire and wish to be a fictional female character? Yes, I 100% love this character and would love to be her.
Is that weird? Well, as a dear friend of mine recently said:
“Luke, you are SO weird. Haha, and that’s a compliment.”
– one of my best friends
So, if you wanna box this in as weird, that’s fine. I’d also like to invite you to see it from a different perspective:
I’ve come to love this character on so many levels. I’m not really going to get into all the reasons why here because…it would double or triple the length of this post. In short, I find her character arc unbelievably inspiring and I connect with her pursuit of something more for her in the world. It’s been incredibly empowering in my journey. When I see this character, I can see how I have embraced myself over the last year (much like she does in the film) and I am filled with an incredible sense of self-love. Oof, this is powerful stuff.
Late summer in 2020, a friend made a comment about “femboys”. Not knowing what that was, I did some research. Interesting, a community of boys who are drawn to that which is feminine. Hmm…that seems relatable…
So, I joined some online communities and read about people’s experiences for weeks. Seeing other people struggle with acceptance of their desire to enjoy “feminine” things and others embracing it left me with new questions:
How do I view my gender? Male? Female? Other?
I had never asked these questions before. I had not made them available for me to even question. It was extremely uncomfortable.
Before I go further, I want to clarify that I am operating under the belief that gender and physical composition/anatomy/biology are two completely separate things.
I decided that maybe I was a male who likes feminine things.
Hmm, I did like that thought. I do like feminine things. I’ve always loved women’s clothing a lot. I always had to moderate my love of it though or else I was scared of being made fun of. So, it was easier to justify loving this under the reasoning of, “I like women’s clothing so I help Stef shop.”
But…I began to wonder: what if I would like wearing women’s clothing?
The thought was exhilarating. Scary. Exciting.
I also had to stop and wonder:
Why does it feel like I’m a teenager doing something bad when all I’m looking to do is buy clothes from a section on the store labeled “Women’s”? This is utterly ridiculous.
The more I stopped to assess the cultural constructs of gender, the more I realized how silly it was that we create such strict boxes for men to fit in. The same has been done to women. The “patriarchal society” (as some call it) boxes all people in. Everyone loses because rather than finding delight in our true selves, we’re required to fit a mold. Sure, some people are buff bros who like football. I’m definitely not. But if you wanna smell flowers, talk Disney princesses, and go clothes shopping, I’m ready.
I’ve realized how much society seems to push people to strictly adhere to gender norms. I’ve reassessed many ideas and beliefs I’ve previously held.
Some women don’t have the curvy/hourglass figure. They might be relatively flat in their breasts and narrow in their hips. So…should it be acceptable for that person to buy “Women’s” clothing? If it is acceptable, why is it not acceptable for a similarly shaped man?
Obviously, for some people, it isn’t ridiculous to expect people to conform to certain molds. Some people think women should only be able to fulfill certain roles in society, for example. That’s not the kind of world I’m interested in co-creating. I’m far more interested in the exploration of how each person can share their true authentic self with the world.
For years, I had people telling me I should have completed my degree (rather than dropping out of business school after a year). They wanted me to fit a certain mold. I’ve never been a “fit-the-mold” kind of guy. I’ve enjoyed the exploration of all kinds of hobbies and interests and ideas.
In response to me sharing that I’ve been exploring gender identity, a friend of mine responded:
You’ve always marched to the beat of a different drum. Keep on drumming friend.
– a different one of my best friends
Geez, I am surrounded by the most amazing people.
I’m no expert, these are musings from a person who spends a lot of time with introspection.
When it comes to gender, the idea of “boy stuff” and “girl stuff”, it’s all relative to that society, culture, and time period. Where men might wear a skirt or dress in one place, it’s not the norm in another. And that seems pretty reasonable to me. I think the issue is when we say: you were born with a penis, therefore you must act within these strict guidelines or else you are a pervert/there’s something wrong with you.
Wait, what?
The idea of feminine clothing being attractive and delightful for me is, I think, my response to the current societal expectations. Perhaps if clothing were radically different and I were born into a different society, I would still have been drawn to that which is feminine. Maybe not. I do not know and it’s largely irrelevant to my current experience.
Back to the story… I know, it’s hard. There are so many ideas that roll around my head as I have spent many, many hours exploring and examining my ideas.
So, I told Stef one night, “I think I might want to try women’s pants.”
She looked at me and said something like, “Sure, that would be fun.”
For everyone wondering, “What does Stef think about all of this?” This isn’t Stef’s story, this is mine. In short, she’s been extremely supportive and loving of me. We are committed to each other and that’s that.
Within a few days, I found myself shopping for groceries. My heart was pounding and I thought to myself, “Well, why not? Let’s just rip the bandaid off and do it.” So I sauntered over to the women’s clothing section. Oof, this was hard. I felt sooo uncomfortable going through the women’s section. I wanted to try some pants. But…what kind of pants? And…I can’t try them on because the fitting rooms are closed due to COVID. Welp, I just gotta hold them up to myself and see if they might fit and take ‘em home.
This is when I realized what it must feel like, in a small way, for so many others who feel that society looks down on them for what they wear and how they present themselves. Wow, what a new level of empathy I had for so many.
I also snagged some leggings.
Oh, and that was gold right there.
Women have been holding out on me for ages. I HAD NO IDEA LEGGINGS WERE SO FREAKING COMFORTABLE.
I enjoyed wearing leggings for a while and then Stef suggested I learn about tucking. Oh. That was game changing. To wear leggings and present a smooth front, yes, please!
(Not familiar with tucking? The short version is you manage to lay your body parts in a way that it looks like no bulging genitalia is there. You’re welcome. And no, you definitely cannot do this in some scenarios…like, I recommend against tucking during physical therapy. Not that I know from personal experience…a friend told me, for sure.)
You might be thinking: who in their right mind would want to do that? And why?
Sometimes, our brains just like things. Why do you like certain colors? Why do you like certain foods? Why do you like certain stories? Sometimes our brain is just really drawn to something. Some have explanations. I choose to enjoy the fact that it’s not always easy to put words beyond what Cardi B offers, “I said I like it like that.”
I love the look of myself when I’m looking feminine. Whether it’s shaven legs, a cute top, or a sparkly necklace. It is so nice to look at myself enjoying these things I’ve so long made unavailable for me because of societal expectations I had conceded to. (I still like the look of a baller sports jacket over a T-shirt, men’s jeans, and sporty shoes.)
The first dress I bought, I put it on and I stood in front of the mirror and the first thought that popped into my head was: I look like I’m from another time period.
Ha, what a funny thought. Because that reinforces the whole point that “men’s clothing” is something relative to a culture.
I was recently in a warm state and I needed to go to Dick’s Sporting Goods to get something. I had already been wearing an outfit I really liked: short shorts, a black sports bra, and a purple cami.
Hold up…you were wearing what now?
Ah, yes. I skipped a lot for the interest of pushing the story forward. Basically, I’ve started to ask the question of: what else of women’s clothing might I like? I’ve started to realize that all of the clothes I used to think were really attractive when worn by a woman…it’s the clothing that I was drawn toward wearing myself. I just never stopped to allow the thought of, “What if I were to wear that?”
Isaac looked at me the morning of the above and he said, “Daddy, when I’m all growned up, I want to wear your clothes.” Yes, buddy, you have all the freedom in the world to be you. I will do everything in my power to support that reality.
No one at Dick’s paid any particular care for what I was wearing. I mean, why would they? That said, it wasn’t lost on me that the guy in front of me in the checkout lane was wearing a t-shirt with the arms cut out, his muscular body showing, and he was buying a basketball. Amazing, we were two peas in totally different pods.
Also, can we stop and appreciate for a moment that the first place I went in full women’s gear was a store called DICK’S?
Okay, gender identity.
It’s important to note that gender identity and gender expression are two different things. Identity is about how I view myself within the world and expression is how I present myself. I can tell you with certainty that I have no desire to limit my presentation to societal expectations for men.
Sidebar…here are some definitions from Healthline. While I know different people define it in different ways, I feel like it would be helpful to give some definitions to make the rest of this a bit more valuable for those less familiar with these phrases.
Gender expression is the way someone expresses gender through behavior, mannerisms, interests, physical characteristics, or appearance.
It’s often, but not always, described using terms such as masculine, feminine, neutral, androgynous, conforming, or nonconforming.
The words used to describe someone’s gender expression are dependent upon social or cultural norms and stereotypes and may change over time.
[Gender identity] is the way someone experiences gender internally as part of their core sense of self.
Gender identity can’t be assumed based on appearance, anatomy, social norms, or stereotypes.
Gender identity isn’t determined by assigned gender or sex, and often develops or changes over time.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve really been noticing how I’m always drawn toward that which is more feminine. And I was curious: why are nearly all of my favorite artists female? Why am I drawn towards women in a room of people I don’t know vs. men? Why am I so drawn toward female leads? And the list goes on and on and on. Is it because I grew up being close to my big sister? Is it because I was a mama’s boy? Or was it something else that influenced all of those elements?
Some people might be like: um, you’re a dude. Of course you’re attracted to women. Most dudes want to have sex with these attractive humans all the time.
Fun fact: I’m asexual. So no, the explanation isn’t that simple. (Oh, and thank you Disney for that realization, too. I only ever discovered that because I wanted to know more about my favorite character, Elsa. Life makes so much more sense now.)
Nothing about my current experience is new except now I am allowing myself to acknowledge my interests and thoughts and allow them to be okay versus brushing them away because they don’t fit the societal expectations for me.
It’s quite liberating to allow myself to be me. To enjoy the things I love. To embrace my own uniqueness and show up in the world in a way only Luke can.
Now, let’s go back to 2019.
It’s August, I assume, and two friends who worked at the Caffeinery saw me walk by carrying an electric piano (they told me about their exchange later). One looks out the window and then looks at their coworker, “Why the f*ck is Luke carrying a keyboard down the street?” The other shrugs their shoulders and said:
“It’s just Luke doing Luke things.”
– cool coffee master from The Caffeinery
Wow, that has become my anthem ever since: Luke doing Luke things.
I love it. It’s funny. It’s simple. And it is empowering.
Oh yeah, gender identity.
We’re never gonna finish this, are we? We will. I promise. Eventually… 😅
It’s really confusing living in a society where we will enthusiastically share a video of a dad wearing an Elsa dress because his son wants to wear an Elsa dress and then turn around and be like: men aren’t supposed to wear dresses as those are clothes for WOMEN. (Obviously, not everyone liked (or saw) this video clip I’m referencing.)
Some people really want boys to only do “boy things”. But what’s a “boy thing”? Playing with cars? Some girls love cars. Playing with superheroes? I know a young girl who knows more about superheros than most boys (and most definitely more about them than me). What about liking purple? Oh, that used to be the color of royalty.
I’m fine if we’re going to say: blue things in this society are traditionally made for boys. That’s fine with me. Just don’t expect me to be content with going along with the majority because “it’s what boys do”.
Ah, yes, gender identity.
How do I identify? Now this is a hard one for me to pin down. I’ve been exploring with words to try and understand where I think I fit. I’ve been discussing with others to really dig in to understand what I connect to. It’s hard, too, when I’m typically a person who rebuffs labels. I don’t like labels, generally, as they create a box for me (I know, Kori, that’s just a thought 😉).
I do like the labels of daddy, spouse, entrepreneur, and follower of Jesus. Those are ones I’m likely to carry to my grave.
I’ve tried out: a gender nonconforming man.
Hmm, maybe. But…no, I don’t think so.
I’m fine being a man.
I also would love to find the top-secret button to instantly and magically turn myself into a woman. Talk about an upgrade.
I love myself fully and completely. How could I want to also be different? That’s easy: I love all kinds of things about myself that I wish to continue to explore and grow. I love what I’ve learned in music. And I seek to grow my skill every year. I love who I am and who I am doesn’t change with what body I have.
I think at the point where I’m wondering, “Who would ever want to be a man instead of being a woman?” I think that’s a sign that I’m definitely not fitting into a nice and neat box.
It’s also not like I saw a movie about Elsa, liked it, and wanted to become a girl. All of the threads in my head have existed for years. It’s just that now I’m slowing down and am comfortable with getting curious about what’s going on inside my head. It’s only now that I’m allowing these thoughts and desires to be okay and surface.
I’m not against the label of “male/man,” It’s not inherently exciting. And maybe, in time, it will be. I do like the idea of being a man who helps reinforce the idea that men don’t need to fit into a box of “masculinity”.
But, alas, it’s not that simple for me at this time in my life.
Back to label exploration…
Genderfluid?
I’ve done a bit of reading and, if I understand correctly, gender fluidity is about the fact that you identify with, at different times, various genders and it shifts over time.
This is where I get to the point that I don’t really have a strong identity attachment to gender in general. From my understanding, genderfluid individuals have a clear experience of being a gender and it changes for them over time, whether it is a matter of hours, days, weeks, or years.
I don’t know that I’ve ever really connected to the idea of, “I am a man.” I’ve thought, “I’m a man because…well, I’ve got the body of one that society has told me is a man’s.”
Because of my general approach to life, I’m going to make the most of what I’ve got. So, if I’m operating under the pretense that I have a label I don’t get to choose, I’m going to make the most of it. Now, I’m exploring the idea of, “What if I don’t have to operate with the label of ‘man’?”
And while I think I might push that magical button to be instantaneously turned into a woman (I mean, come on, seriously, that is totes an upgrade in my opinion), especially if it was an Elsa-button, I have never felt as though I identifyas a woman.
The more I’ve spent reflecting on this, the more I’ve realized: I am not sure I’ve really ever thought much about myself in terms of gender. I’m Luke. And I love being Luke.
And that’s why “Luke doing Luke things” has stuck with me so powerfully. I recently shared my current musings along with the story of me carrying my keyboard down the street and not being sure where I fall in the gender identity spectrum.
Someone responded:
“I think I’m much the same way, but never quite put it to words in the ‘me doing me things’ kind of framing. I think that describes me PERFECTLY. I’m not really one for labels… I’ve thought a lot about where I fit between crossdresser, genderfluid, gender nonconforming…none fit really. I’ve told my wife I most identify with, ‘I just want to do what I want/wear what I want.’ For real, your post is truly an ‘oh damn’ moment for me…in the best way.”
– fellow human
When I read this, I had to stop and take a moment to see if there was an alternate version of myself posting in response to my original post. Funny thing is, they signed their post with a “J” and my pseudonym starts with a J. Haha, maybe it is me and I have no memory of the act.
While I don’t need someone else to validate my experience, it is incredible to share my story and find others who respond with comments like, “I’ve had similar thoughts and wondered if I am nonbinary.” I don’t know how many of us there are…though, I know there are enough of us walking around that aren’t having the same binary gender experience that many are.
I know I love being me. From a gender expression and identity standpoint, I’ve still got a long way to go to fully understand myself.
How does it all work? Dunno. I have a feeling in one year, I’m going to have a radically better understanding of myself. Because that’s me. I uplevel my life dramatically every single year. So, let’s see what all I learn.
Am I a crossdresser? I guess, technically, yes, Given the odd thing between my legs that I was born with, I am doing that when I wear women’s clothing. That’s more of an activity in my mind (though for some it is a part of their identity). I don’t think this one quite fits me and all of my experience. Unfortunately, it’s also colored by the many times I’ve heard people over the years describe crossdressers as perverts. No surprise, I never hear people calling a woman walking down the street with “men’s” clothing a cross dresser NOR is she ever called a pervert (though, women have been degraded for wearing “men’s” clothing).
Here’s a term that delighted me: gender apathetic.
I nearly laughed out loud when I saw that term because it’s fantastic. Here’s how Healthline defined it:
This term describes someone who doesn’t strongly identify with any gender or with any gender labels.
Generally, people who are gender apathetic display an attitude of flexibility, openness, and “not caring” about how gender identity or presentation is perceived and labeled by others.
I’m not sure this really helps me find a useful label, but it sure does seem to hit the nail on the head. I obviously am deeply intrigued by my experience of gender. However, I’m not too concerned with having a clear answer. Plus, I’m not worried about the perception of others about what my gender is.
What about agender?
It’s funny that the last year of exploration has yielded two possible labels for me and both labels are ones that speak to what I am not versus what I am. Those two labels being asexual (short version: I don’t experience sexual attraction, which is not the same as a low sex drive) and agender (basically, I don’t connect with identifying as a specific gender).
The more I read and investigate these concepts, agender might be fitting. But, maybe not! It’s all relatively new for me and I’m open to my experiences and understandings changing over time.
For me, it’s really about being able to express my true self in ways I love. This means allowing myself the joy and freedom to wear men’s and women’s clothing. It means I’m not bound to a singular label of “man” nor expect myself to do “manly” things.
Maybe in the end, I’ll conclude I’m a cisgender man (cisgender means I identify with the gender that I was assigned at birth) who likes a variety of things that come from across the spectrum. And there would be nothing wrong with that. I’m totally open to whatever the future holds. Because if I decide one day to own the label of “man”, I will own it in a way that only Luke can.
Am I asking you to use different pronouns other than “he” and “him” for me?
No, not today.
Will I in the future?
If I had to make a guess, I would say that it is unlikely. For me, my gender exploration is really a celebration and acknowledgement of myself. As I realize how little I seem to experience gender, I’m unlikely to desire a shift. That said, if someone ever drops female pronouns on me when I’m dressed with women’s clothing, I will take it.
This totes happened when I was shopping for makeup the other day; not because I was passable as a female but rather because a kind person was taking a guess that my presentation might have meant I wanted it. It was both completely uncomfortable and completely wonderful.
I don’t presently have any desire to pass as a woman. Passing meaning that someone looks at me and is likely to think, “Oh, that person is a woman” without stopping to be like, “Wait, male features, gorgeous legs and dress, uh…excuse me…miss…?” I think this is in alignment with the idea that I have an apparent lack of experience of a specific gender identity. (Side note: the whole concept of “passing” can be controversial. Another topic…another day…)
I don’t have the needs that some do to have others acknowledge my gender identity. It feels like a gift to be able to be on this journey and not need that because I feel quite free to just explore. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if I landed on my first proposition, a gender-nonconforming man, because it’s simple and clear. It gives others an easy means of creating a box to put me in while giving me freedom to enjoy gender expression that is decidedly feminine. Or, and perhaps more fun, I’ll carry the delightful label and mantra of “Luke doing Luke things” to my grave.
Am I doing myself a disservice?
No. And I think by sharing openly, I help contribute to societal acceptance of those who land in other parts of the spectrum and do want others to acknowledge their gender identity. Maybe, as time progresses, I will have new understandings and perspectives where I modify my views and ideas. No, that’s not a maybe, that’s a definitely.
What’s the point of sharing all of this then?
Ah, that’s a good question. I decided to write out my goals in writing this before I started writing because it’s a bunch of info about me…and for what purpose?
For starters, I believe one of my superpowers is vulnerability. It takes incredible strength and courage to be vulnerable and it’s a switch I can flip on in nearly any given moment. Sometimes, the hurdles are much harder than others. And sometimes I fail to do so. I think the world is a better place when we are vulnerable and authentic with one another.
With this post, it has required exceptional courage for me to be willing to share so many of my thoughts, particularly when I am actively exploring them (vs. having come to clear conclusions and sharing in retrospect). I have publically shared things here which are incredibly personal to my journey.
I also think life is best lived with rich human connection. I believe the most beautiful thing in life is human connection. After spending much time online in various communities, I have realized how many people are out there like me, in one way or another, and are scared to let others know about themselves. It furthers the lies inside that we’re not good enough, that there’s something wrong with us, and that the world would be better without us.
Let me just tell you: there are lonely people all around us. Loneliness isn’t inherently about not having good friends. It’s about being lost in your head and feeling like you don’t belong.
And so part of writing this is to be vulnerable and authentic in showing my own unique and complex journey so that someone else will either experience a bit of connection knowing they aren’t “wrong” or perhaps someone will have a little more understanding for someone they love who is going through something similar.
I have found over this past year that by sharing my experiences, I have been able to be a source of encouragement for others. I know that some very wonderful people think that it is a higher priority to not make someone else uncomfortable. For example, me wearing a dress with full makeup on will most certainly make some uncomfortable.
There are people of all types in this world who crave to present themselves and be acknowledged in all kinds of ways. Rather than requiring these people to adhere to something that makes another comfortable, what if we put our focus on being curious and inviting?
Maybe that’s not for you. It is quite compelling for me. And as someone who is in a psychological place where I can be vulnerable about this and share it with people, I am continuing on a path that many other amazing humans have been on for millennia. It’s a path where we say: everyone matters, every person is unique, and we will accept them as they are.
If I can help just one person feel a little more comfortable with themselves and help just one person know that they matter and that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM… I am willing to walk through the discomfort of sharing my experience if there’s even the slightest chance of that. There are so many people who hate their existence because society has told them that there’s something wrong with who they are. I will do everything I can to contribute to a different story being communicated. I want each and every person to know that they matter. If there’s even a chance that me wearing a dress puts just one drop of water in the lake of acceptance for others, I will enjoy wearing a dress all the more.
(Spoiler alert: I know my sharing has already done that for some. Yay!)
Many folks are hiding in the closet because of their questions because they fear that either (1) they’ll be rejected because of who they are or (2) they’ll one day realize they don’t continue to associate with that label and they’ll be judged for having said one thing and then changing over time.
We have to remind ourselves that it’s a journey and even if we come to the end of all of our questions and realize we are cis, that’s good and beautiful because we now have so much more knowledge and can be that much better of an ally.
I view what I’m doing here as contributing to the shared human story that we all have a wide range of experiences, we’re all valid, and we all matter.
Additionally, me writing all of this is about sharing my experience with those I love. I would guess that anyone still reading likely fits into one of a few categories:
They’re curious. They like reading things and this is just a bit interesting to them for one reason or another.
They know me and love me and are interested in better knowing about me and my personal journey.
They’re looking for the comment section to share something incendiary.
I’m sure there are others. I figure people who are still reading probably fit into that second category. And this is me sharing some of my thoughts and experiences.
Wait, this is just SOME of your thoughts? Yes, just a fraction! 🙃
Many of the people in my life don’t get to hear about most of my human experience because I invest substantial time in reflection and discussion with Stef, and then only minimal amounts of time sharing with others. At the same time, I love sharing of myself and if people care to read, I’d love to share what I’ve been processing over the last year.
The most delightful way would be to share around a fire, but, ya know, winter and COVID kinda put a damper on that.
Will I ever know if I’m truly genderfluid, genderqueer, gender apathetic, agender, something else, or maybe I’ve been cisgender all along? Probably. I’m a powerful pursuer of myself. I typically set my mind on something and I gain understanding, even if it takes many, many years.
For now, I love being and identifying as Luke. I am completely comfortable with and love that. It feels pure and true to who I am. And that’s wonderful. Now I’m exploring what all it means to embrace Luke and see how all I like to show up in the world.
And if you’ve read this far and feel disoriented, wondering what happened to the Luke you know, know that I’m still right here. The same beautiful, thoughtful, and kind human. The same Luke that loves to stir passion for projects and purpose, the same Luke that loves people, and the same Luke that values our shared human experience.
If you’re wondering, “What does this change?” The answer is…nothing! 😊 I’m still here with the same passion and vision and purpose for sharing the love and beauty of Jesus with the world through everything I do.
There are a lot of details left out of this for a range of reasons. I have many, many bullet points that I’ve opted to leave out of this story. To my loved ones, you might notice me wearing different clothes or spot me with makeup on. I’m trying things out and exploring them to see what I like and what suits me. Eventually, I’ll probably try full-on drag. Let me know if you wanna be there when that happens!
If you find us sitting around a fire (or chatting in another form since fires aren’t happening much at the moment), please know you’re welcome to ask me anything. Enjoying human connection is the wealth of a life well-lived.
It was as though an invisible force was pushing me away from the table. People would walk by. Surely there was someplace else I could be. Maybe a phone call I could make. Someone I know that I could talk to. Is there? No, not really.
It was early March and I was at a medical conference in Philadelphia. I was a corporate sponsor of the event. And I was supposed to have my all-star employee, Eva, with me. Unfortunately, influenza had claimed her. And thus, I had no shield for the rampant rejection all around me.
I had a booth primely positioned. People would walk by and hardly look at me.
Ouch.
Anything I could do other than be here would be great. But…I was the only one from my company there. I’m the freaking owner. Grow up and talk to these people.
I was nearly paralyzed. I pushed through. It was hard.
And it was at this point that I realized how badly my fears of rejection have been influencing my life. They’re not only affecting my relationships, which is extremely intangible. It’s actually costing me money as I behave like a scared animal cowering under the table. (I wasn’t literally under the table, but I sure would have felt safer there.)
I’ve been aware for a while that these fears exist, but I didn’t realize the extent it is impacting my life. And then and there, I decided I would tackle this.
This time, I’m aware.
Ten years ago, I started a journey of facing down my deep sense of unworthiness and learning to love myself. And I came out on top, like a champ.
Ten years ago, I didn’t know I could tackle such deep-seated beliefs that were dictating my life. Today, it’s a very different thing. And I find myself in such a cool position: I get to document my process and be aware of what’s happening in me and how it is affecting my life today.
One of the first things I did was sign up for a leadership program in Nevada. I haven’t gone yet. I look forward to attending that and experiencing beautiful growth and increasing my toolkit.
I have started realizing how many micro-decisions I make each and every day that are driven by my fear of being rejected. I fear being rejected when there’s a practical likelihood I’ll be rejected. I fear being rejected when there’s no rational reason to be concerned.
PJ Levingston, a good friend and business coach, told me this past week that my fear of rejection is unlikely to ever be gone. It’s all about learning to exercise the “muscles” that allow me to act in spite of my fears.
Acting in the face of my fears has come out in various little ways. Like seeing a friend standing in the coffee shop and walking in to see if he’s free for lunch (he wasn’t).
Sometimes I’m terrified, sometimes I’m not – what’s the difference?
“Luke, you don’t put yourself in enough uncomfortable situations,” my friend stated earlier this year.
“Uh, what? I put myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations!”
“Just situations you control,” he clarified.
I bristled at the comment. I knew he was wrong. But I couldn’t quite put my finger on why he was wrong. He was correct that I avoid certain situations…but he was wrong about why…
I’m going to audition – why not?
In March, Matt Carder and I were eating lunch and he told me about this cool. Our Muncie Civic Theater was having auditions in May. It was a monologue where the actor interacts with the audience. It’s called Every Brilliant Thing.
How cool!
Matt gave me the details to go look it up online and I did. It was the youngest child’s dream of a play: one actor who gets to entertain and engage a captive audience for an hour. Yes, please!
But… I’ve never done any theater. I act every single day with my kids. Speaking and live streaming is basically a monologue with a tough crowd you’re trying to engage. Ok…I’ll go for it.
I pestered the Muncie Civic Theater Facebook page with questions about when they would announce auditions. Then, with even more questions after they announced the dates (yup, I’m that guy).
Once the audition form was live, I took a while to fill it out. Auditioning meant putting myself on the chopping block. Auditioning meant putting myself out there for rejection. It also meant auditioning, and that sounded kinda cool.
We already had camping plans for the weekend of the auditions (May 18). Stef was so supportive of me driving two hours back to Muncie to try out. When we got the sides (sections of the play…never heard of a “side” before), I printed them off, made a little booklet, and practiced nearly every day.
I decided that my goal was to audition and get a callback (round two). Regardless, I was going to audition. And I was going to do it in spite of my fears. I was flying in the face of fears that have plagued my life. And if I didn’t get the part, that was okay! I came to such a peaceful place. Would I get the part? Probably not. But that wasn’t going to stop me!
I was feeling pretty good about it. I had heard there might be three people selected for the three weekends. Hmm, I probably have a shot at that.
Then Matt brought reality back to me when he pointed out they weren’t going to select three white males. Oh…yeah…that’s kind of obvious…now. My hopes fell and my fears of rejection hit hard. I stopped practicing a couple nights.
Longer story shorter(ish), I drove out to Muncie on Saturday morning with butterflies. The first thing the director says is for people to come up to the apron. I looked at the guy next to me, “What did she just say?” “Come up to the apron.” “Apron??” “The front of the stage.” Oh dear, I was so fresh here. I’d never even stepped foot in the theater. I auditioned. It was insanely fun. I put myself out there.
I caught the director at one point, Tracena Marie, and asked for a selfie with the theater in the background. I had decided earlier that morning that I wanted to get pictures of me going through my day. I was acting against my fears and I was so proud of myself.
I caught Tracena off guard (unintentionally) and got this pic:
Sometimes the best pics have an element of surprise 😀
I give it my all. I had fun. I was nervous. I laughed. I cheered for the others. It was one of the best days of my life. I left the audition on cloud nine. I achieved my competitive goal to make it to round two!
Have you ever had that? When you’re going through your day and you have these butterflies in your stomach, the good kind. And you think, “Wow, I’m having a really good day!” I must be having a really good day.
Waiting…and the fears crept back in…
Sunday, I was driving back home from camping and all I could think about was, “What if I didn’t fill out one of the questions on the forms thoroughly enough?” I wanted to reach out to the director and clarify. I wanted to give better answers. What if I was rejected because I was lazy and didn’t feel like being super detailed in my answers?
Calm yourself.
Oh, but that can be so hard.
I resisted.
It was okay if I didn’t get the part.
I kept thinking about all the other great actors and actresses competing for the role. I was good. I believed that. I could be great. But was I what the director was looking for? That was where I found my peace. This wasn’t about whether or not I was the best actor. The question was whether or not I was the right person for this director’s play.
I told Stef that I was equally concerned about how my fears would respond if I got the part. I would feel a strong feeling of acceptance and confirmation of my value. While on some levels this is reasonable, it would be coming from my fears of rejection. I would feel “accepted” because I got the part. Not because I’m content without it.
Sunday night, I sat down to start working on this post. I wanted to start pounding out my thoughts before I found out if I got the part or not. I got an email around 10:00pm. “Please email me back confirming that you accept this role.”
I read it so many times.
Wait, is this actually real? Yes. Is it? Yes. Let me go read it again. Still says the same thing. Ok, you can reply, Luke… “Woohoo! Yes!”
So here’s my current working theory.
I throw parties of various sorts, I love hosting. Invite me to your party and…uh, if I don’t know many people, I’m unlikely to show my face (unless it’s a special occasion for you).
When discussing this with some dear friends earlier this year, one commented, “You control the environment.”
It was a similar suggestion as what my other friend had said. On the surface, it seemed sensible. But it wasn’t. So, what was really going on?
For a while now I’ve thought it had to do with the “footing” everyone had.
Meaning, if it was a room where I knew pretty much everyone, I thrived. If it’s a room full of people where many know each other and I don’t, I shrink back. If it’s a room full of strangers and nobody knows anybody, I thrive.
I think that the “footing” concept is correct in many ways. However, it lacks the picture of what’s really happening inside me.
Presently, I think it has to do with my likelihood to be rejected.
When I walk into a room and see everyone talking in small groups and I don’t know anyone very well, I have zero clue as to how to go about inserting myself into a conversation. I lack those social skills. As a result, I’m quite likely to walk up to a group, feel awkward, and not feel included and then feel rejected.
So, what’s likely really happening when I am adverse to a particular social environment, it has to do with how I perceive my likelihood to feel rejected.
I put myself in extremely uncomfortable situations in which I control very little. I shy away from situations which bring my fears of rejection to the surface.
Exercising my anti-rejection muscles.
In the past, I thought some of the feelings I had were relating to my sense of worthiness. They’re so intertwined it’s hard to completely be sure as I’m dealing with my subconscious mind. At the audition, I felt at home. And it felt great. And that is great. Yet, I also was feeling those feelings in part because I felt accepted and my fears so deeply desire to feel that.
Side note: I don’t rationally feel like I’m rejected. That’s the crazy part about dealing with underlying beliefs. I have an incredible group of friends, family, business colleagues, and clients. It’s pretty obvious that I’m “accepted.” But it’s about learning to act in spite of these feelings and not papering over them with pointing to other peoples’ experience of me. I need to be at peace and accept myself and then just revel in all the beautiful experiences.
I realized beforehand that if I got the part, I was going to feel accepted. I felt the natural high of “oh my gosh, I tried out for this play AND I GOT IT!” mixed with complex feelings of being accepted. The former is great. The latter is complicated and not entirely healthy.
I think it’s all a combination of worthiness and rejection. And that’s a discussion for another day.
For now, I’m learning to fly in the face of my fears. Sometimes, I take an action that feels terrifying. Like asking Adam to take a selfie with me before the auditions started and he accepts.
Hey there, Adam!
Or, it looks like trying out for a play and actually getting the role.
I got the part!
And then there are times I actually get rejected. PJ told me, “Luke, you’re going to get rejected. Things are going to go wrong. And that’s okay! Now it’s just about learning to exercise that muscle.”
And this time, exercising that muscle landed me the role in a one-person play: Every Brilliant Thing.
Last year, I shared my darkest night when I came face to face with self-hatred so fierce I questioned living. Unlike so many others, the thought of killing myself was brief. Yet, the self-loathing continued.
My solution to my pain was to push people away. I loved my family, I was soon dating a wonderful young woman, and I had a handful of friends. But…I didn’t have many people who knew me deeply.
I graduated high school a semester early and simply dropped out of contact. I left friends behind, friends who had loved and cared for me. Friends with whom I had shared many, many treasured experiences. Instead of feeling that love, I felt pain.
No one really knew the pain I felt. On the outside, I looked great. I was confident, skilled, and had a great family. I was an 18-year-old direct-admit to the Kelley School of Business which I dropped out of after a year. I was a supervisor at Starbucks with an incredible team. In the spring of 2009, I started my business.
In October of 2009, there I was working the register at Starbucks when a gentleman looked at me and asked about my life. We recognized each other from a business networking event. “Do you want to take your life to another level to meet your goals?”
At that time in my life, I was thirsting for more. I think part of myself was desperate for change, but I didn’t believe I was worthy of it.
The program was 5 days long: three evenings and then Saturday and Sunday.
On Friday evening, we played a “game.” It was a process for us to go through and then evaluate how our behavior within the “game” was reflected throughout our lives.
I spent the entire game standing by myself in the back of a room filled with some thirty people. I was trying to figure it out. Alone.
The night ended, we were told to contemplate what happened. I didn’t really think much of it.
Saturday morning started with us sitting with our small groups. My small group leader, Shawn, asked how I behaved. I shared the above and she looked at me and said, “How does that show up in your life?”
I briefly considered and then shared, “Well, I tend to distance myself from people. I don’t have many close friends. And I like it that way.”
Shawn looked at me with such caring eyes and said, “Luke, I don’t think you believe that.”
Something deep inside me leaped.
I cocked my head, looked back at her, and said, “You’re right, I don’t.”
The course I was headed down got a beautiful and immediate course correction.
That night, I sat in my car in a parking lot just down the street from the place where the workshop was held. I dialed friend after friend, calling people I had ignored for the last two years. People who I spent years with and countless experiences. People I loved and missed but had hidden from out of pain.
Over the following months, I came face-to-face with my deep sense of unworthiness. Many, many days I shed tears as the feelings of worthlessness faced the new beliefs blossoming that said yes, I am worthy of being loved.
The photos at the top are a few I found on Facebook. Photos with me and people I loved so dearly from my high school years. People I pushed away. And now, many of those people I’ve not only reconnected with, I correspond with regularly. Some of whom continue to be my dearest friends.
“Thank you”feels so inadequate, to Monty (the gentleman who found me at Starbucks) and Shawn, my small group coach. The two of you helped me achieve a change I was desperate to begin and was so scared to pursue. So…thank you. 🙂 I will be grateful for you and tell my children and grandchildren of the impact you had on my life. Your willingness to show up for me has enabled me to be a light to others. Thank you.
