A Year Spent Exploring Gender Identity

It began with two sisters…

For those who don’t know, that’s a quote from Frozen II. And while my journey began long ago, that is where this chapter begins.

I took my family to the theater, something I rarely do (watching TV and movies isn’t really my thing). We went to see Frozen II on the night before opening night. We watched the film and while it has some gaping plot holes and subpar world-building, the character arcs were extraordinary. It climaxed with a story of total self-acceptance.

I was captivated.

For over a decade, I’ve been on a journey of learning to love myself fully. I didn’t quite know what that meant until December 31, 2020. That’s a story for another time that I will tell.

A few years ago, I shifted into an active pursuit of learning to love myself when I realized how much my subconscious beliefs and thoughts were holding me back. That’s when I consciously started pursuing self-love (though I had begun that journey starting November 2009).

I was captivated by Frozen II and Elsa. I had no words for it at the time and to this day I still lack the ability to fully articulate it. I left the theater in tears and when we got home, I looked at Stef and said, “I want to go see it again.”

I ended up seeing it thirteen times in theaters. (I wrote a post months ago sharing some reasons why I loved it. Writing and not posting seems to be a thing of mine. 🤔)

My love of a Disney princess/queen (she’s sold in the princess line but she’s not a princess…this is of fierce debate among some Disney fans 😜) presented a problem.

It’s not normal or okay for a man to love an animated princess.

No one ever explicitly told me that, I don’t think. It’s just a cultural thing. I’m supposed to like Star Wars (I don’t) and I’m supposed to appreciate Disney family films because I’m a dad (I do) but I’m not supposed to love the characters beyond appreciating their values.

Something like that.

I was extremely uncomfortable with how drawn I was to Elsa and Frozen II. I remember seeing how others in the fandom would put scenes from the film on their phone backgrounds. I was so uncomfortable to put Elsa as my background. I had thoughts whirling around my head that not only would others judge me, there was just something “not right” about it.

I started collecting Frozen II t-shirts. I wore them all the time. Wait, no, I wear them all the time. 

I have these characters, mostly Elsa with Anna and Iduna sprinkled in, all around my life so I am reminded of them constantly. Something about them just leaves me at peace. Loving this show, which goes against the societal norm, was and continues to be a self-fulfilling act of loving and embracing my own unique spot in the world. By loving these characters, I further the love of myself.

Sometimes I’ll just look at something from the show and I feel a sigh move through my body and I think, “Ah, okay, everything is going to be just fine.”

Why shy away from something so beautiful? While I was (and still am at times) uncomfortable with how some view this as inappropriate behavior for a “grown man,” I persisted. I choose me over the opinions of others. 

Early 2020, I began to be aware of how my passion for this film was completely gender nonconforming. Society subtly told a story of how I should be as a man and passionately loving this series wasn’t really part of that.

To be clear, none of the people close to me tell me that message. In fact, I’ve received quite the opposite response from my loved ones. It’s a delight and has been extremely empowering to have so many wonderful people around me so supportive of my passion for Elsa and Frozen II.

After watching Frozen II over a dozen times, I wanted to dress up like Elsa. Hmm, how could I justify that? Ah, I know! What if I cosplayed as Elsa? That would be super fun and that would be something that would be in a box that people would be able to justify.

But…it was more than just wanting to dress up as this character I admire…

I found myself thinking the following: I want to dress up and look pretty like Elsa.

That stood out to me because those words have never crossed my mind before. Perhaps they had rolled around subconsciously, but I had never recognized that they existed so concretely.

Thus, I began the process of finding a person to make a costume so I could dress up like this hero of mine.

So, this could be an extremely long story where I tell you all of the little steps along the way. I’m going to attempt to condense this down a bit (ha, now that’s a joke for those who know my storytelling). And…it’s still gonna be really long. 

I started working with a mindset coach in April 2020. Her name is Kori Linn and I’d recommend her to everyone. And that, too, is a story for another day. She’s a powerhouse for helping rewire thought patterns that are holding one back. While our focus has largely been on elevating how I show up in my business, we’ve touched on every aspect of my life.

I was so uncomfortable to talk about my love of Frozen at first with her. I did and she offered me this question to ponder:

What if your love of Elsa and Frozen II is something that’s RIGHT about you? Your brain keeps asking if it means something is wrong, but what if it’s not only fine but beyond that – what if it’s deeply wonderful?

Kori Linn

This set the stage for me to become more comfortable with my passion for this film and the characters. 

As my comfort grew, I found myself enjoying sharing more about my love of this show. It resulted in some really wonderful and beautiful new friendships. Woot! I love human connection. It also grew my appreciation for others who were feeling a love for something “feminine” where society was telling them it is “wrong”.

How could rich and beautiful human connection be labeled as “bad” just because the activities were generally considered feminine? And while we’re on the topic, what’s wrong with me admiring and wanting to be a fictional female character?

Hold up…am I actually saying I admire and wish to be a fictional female character? Yes, I 100% love this character and would love to be her. 

Is that weird? Well, as a dear friend of mine recently said:

“Luke, you are SO weird. Haha, and that’s a compliment.”

– one of my best friends

So, if you wanna box this in as weird, that’s fine. I’d also like to invite you to see it from a different perspective:

I’ve come to love this character on so many levels. I’m not really going to get into all the reasons why here because…it would double or triple the length of this post. In short, I find her character arc unbelievably inspiring and I connect with her pursuit of something more for her in the world. It’s been incredibly empowering in my journey. When I see this character, I can see how I have embraced myself over the last year (much like she does in the film) and I am filled with an incredible sense of self-love. Oof, this is powerful stuff.

Late summer in 2020, a friend made a comment about “femboys”. Not knowing what that was, I did some research. Interesting, a community of boys who are drawn to that which is feminine. Hmm…that seems relatable…

So, I joined some online communities and read about people’s experiences for weeks. Seeing other people struggle with acceptance of their desire to enjoy “feminine” things and others embracing it left me with new questions:

How do I view my gender? Male? Female? Other? 

I had never asked these questions before. I had not made them available for me to even question. It was extremely uncomfortable.

Before I go further, I want to clarify that I am operating under the belief that gender and physical composition/anatomy/biology are two completely separate things.

I decided that maybe I was a male who likes feminine things.

Hmm, I did like that thought. I do like feminine things. I’ve always loved women’s clothing a lot. I always had to moderate my love of it though or else I was scared of being made fun of. So, it was easier to justify loving this under the reasoning of, “I like women’s clothing so I help Stef shop.”

But…I began to wonder: what if I would like wearing women’s clothing?

The thought was exhilarating. Scary. Exciting. 

I also had to stop and wonder:

Why does it feel like I’m a teenager doing something bad when all I’m looking to do is buy clothes from a section on the store labeled “Women’s”? This is utterly ridiculous. 

The more I stopped to assess the cultural constructs of gender, the more I realized how silly it was that we create such strict boxes for men to fit in. The same has been done to women. The “patriarchal society” (as some call it) boxes all people in. Everyone loses because rather than finding delight in our true selves, we’re required to fit a mold. Sure, some people are buff bros who like football. I’m definitely not. But if you wanna smell flowers, talk Disney princesses, and go clothes shopping, I’m ready.

I’ve realized how much society seems to push people to strictly adhere to gender norms. I’ve reassessed many ideas and beliefs I’ve previously held.

Some women don’t have the curvy/hourglass figure. They might be relatively flat in their breasts and narrow in their hips. So…should it be acceptable for that person to buy “Women’s” clothing? If it is acceptable, why is it not acceptable for a similarly shaped man? 

Obviously, for some people, it isn’t ridiculous to expect people to conform to certain molds. Some people think women should only be able to fulfill certain roles in society, for example. That’s not the kind of world I’m interested in co-creating. I’m far more interested in the exploration of how each person can share their true authentic self with the world.

For years, I had people telling me I should have completed my degree (rather than dropping out of business school after a year). They wanted me to fit a certain mold. I’ve never been a “fit-the-mold” kind of guy. I’ve enjoyed the exploration of all kinds of hobbies and interests and ideas.

In response to me sharing that I’ve been exploring gender identity, a friend of mine responded:

You’ve always marched to the beat of a different drum. Keep on drumming friend.

– a different one of my best friends

Geez, I am surrounded by the most amazing people.

I’m no expert, these are musings from a person who spends a lot of time with introspection.

When it comes to gender, the idea of “boy stuff” and “girl stuff”, it’s all relative to that society, culture, and time period. Where men might wear a skirt or dress in one place, it’s not the norm in another. And that seems pretty reasonable to me. I think the issue is when we say: you were born with a penis, therefore you must act within these strict guidelines or else you are a pervert/there’s something wrong with you.

Wait, what?

The idea of feminine clothing being attractive and delightful for me is, I think, my response to the current societal expectations. Perhaps if clothing were radically different and I were born into a different society, I would still have been drawn to that which is feminine. Maybe not. I do not know and it’s largely irrelevant to my current experience.

Back to the story… I know, it’s hard. There are so many ideas that roll around my head as I have spent many, many hours exploring and examining my ideas.

So, I told Stef one night, “I think I might want to try women’s pants.”

She looked at me and said something like, “Sure, that would be fun.”

For everyone wondering, “What does Stef think about all of this?” This isn’t Stef’s story, this is mine. In short, she’s been extremely supportive and loving of me. We are committed to each other and that’s that.

Within a few days, I found myself shopping for groceries. My heart was pounding and I thought to myself, “Well, why not? Let’s just rip the bandaid off and do it.” So I sauntered over to the women’s clothing section. Oof, this was hard. I felt sooo uncomfortable going through the women’s section. I wanted to try some pants. But…what kind of pants? And…I can’t try them on because the fitting rooms are closed due to COVID. Welp, I just gotta hold them up to myself and see if they might fit and take ‘em home.

This is when I realized what it must feel like, in a small way, for so many others who feel that society looks down on them for what they wear and how they present themselves. Wow, what a new level of empathy I had for so many.

I also snagged some leggings.

Oh, and that was gold right there.

Women have been holding out on me for ages. I HAD NO IDEA LEGGINGS WERE SO FREAKING COMFORTABLE.

I enjoyed wearing leggings for a while and then Stef suggested I learn about tucking. Oh. That was game changing. To wear leggings and present a smooth front, yes, please! 

(Not familiar with tucking? The short version is you manage to lay your body parts in a way that it looks like no bulging genitalia is there. You’re welcome. And no, you definitely cannot do this in some scenarios…like, I recommend against tucking during physical therapy. Not that I know from personal experience…a friend told me, for sure.)

You might be thinking: who in their right mind would want to do that? And why?

Sometimes, our brains just like things. Why do you like certain colors? Why do you like certain foods? Why do you like certain stories? Sometimes our brain is just really drawn to something. Some have explanations. I choose to enjoy the fact that it’s not always easy to put words beyond what Cardi B offers, “I said I like it like that.”

I love the look of myself when I’m looking feminine. Whether it’s shaven legs, a cute top, or a sparkly necklace. It is so nice to look at myself enjoying these things I’ve so long made unavailable for me because of societal expectations I had conceded to. (I still like the look of a baller sports jacket over a T-shirt, men’s jeans, and sporty shoes.)

The first dress I bought, I put it on and I stood in front of the mirror and the first thought that popped into my head was: I look like I’m from another time period.

Ha, what a funny thought. Because that reinforces the whole point that “men’s clothing” is something relative to a culture.

I was recently in a warm state and I needed to go to Dick’s Sporting Goods to get something. I had already been wearing an outfit I really liked: short shorts, a black sports bra, and a purple cami. 

Hold up…you were wearing what now?

Ah, yes. I skipped a lot for the interest of pushing the story forward. Basically, I’ve started to ask the question of: what else of women’s clothing might I like? I’ve started to realize that all of the clothes I used to think were really attractive when worn by a woman…it’s the clothing that I was drawn toward wearing myself. I just never stopped to allow the thought of, “What if I were to wear that?”

Isaac looked at me the morning of the above and he said, “Daddy, when I’m all growned up, I want to wear your clothes.” Yes, buddy, you have all the freedom in the world to be you. I will do everything in my power to support that reality.

No one at Dick’s paid any particular care for what I was wearing. I mean, why would they? That said, it wasn’t lost on me that the guy in front of me in the checkout lane was wearing a t-shirt with the arms cut out, his muscular body showing, and he was buying a basketball. Amazing, we were two peas in totally different pods. 

Also, can we stop and appreciate for a moment that the first place I went in full women’s gear was a store called DICK’S?

Okay, gender identity.

It’s important to note that gender identity and gender expression are two different things. Identity is about how I view myself within the world and expression is how I present myself. I can tell you with certainty that I have no desire to limit my presentation to societal expectations for men.

Sidebar…here are some definitions from Healthline. While I know different people define it in different ways, I feel like it would be helpful to give some definitions to make the rest of this a bit more valuable for those less familiar with these phrases.

Gender expression is the way someone expresses gender through behavior, mannerisms, interests, physical characteristics, or appearance.

It’s often, but not always, described using terms such as masculine, feminine, neutral, androgynous, conforming, or nonconforming.

The words used to describe someone’s gender expression are dependent upon social or cultural norms and stereotypes and may change over time.

[Gender identity] is the way someone experiences gender internally as part of their core sense of self.

Gender identity can’t be assumed based on appearance, anatomy, social norms, or stereotypes.

Gender identity isn’t determined by assigned gender or sex, and often develops or changes over time.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve really been noticing how I’m always drawn toward that which is more feminine. And I was curious: why are nearly all of my favorite artists female? Why am I drawn towards women in a room of people I don’t know vs. men? Why am I so drawn toward female leads? And the list goes on and on and on. Is it because I grew up being close to my big sister? Is it because I was a mama’s boy? Or was it something else that influenced all of those elements?

Some people might be like: um, you’re a dude. Of course you’re attracted to women. Most dudes want to have sex with these attractive humans all the time.

Fun fact: I’m asexual. So no, the explanation isn’t that simple. (Oh, and thank you Disney for that realization, too. I only ever discovered that because I wanted to know more about my favorite character, Elsa. Life makes so much more sense now.)

Nothing about my current experience is new except now I am allowing myself to acknowledge my interests and thoughts and allow them to be okay versus brushing them away because they don’t fit the societal expectations for me.

It’s quite liberating to allow myself to be me. To enjoy the things I love. To embrace my own uniqueness and show up in the world in a way only Luke can.

Now, let’s go back to 2019.

It’s August, I assume, and two friends who worked at the Caffeinery saw me walk by carrying an electric piano (they told me about their exchange later). One looks out the window and then looks at their coworker, “Why the f*ck is Luke carrying a keyboard down the street?” The other shrugs their shoulders and said:

“It’s just Luke doing Luke things.”

– cool coffee master from The Caffeinery

Wow, that has become my anthem ever since: Luke doing Luke things.

I love it. It’s funny. It’s simple. And it is empowering. 

Oh yeah, gender identity.

We’re never gonna finish this, are we? We will. I promise. Eventually… 😅

It’s really confusing living in a society where we will enthusiastically share a video of a dad wearing an Elsa dress because his son wants to wear an Elsa dress and then turn around and be like: men aren’t supposed to wear dresses as those are clothes for WOMEN. (Obviously, not everyone liked (or saw) this video clip I’m referencing.)

Some people really want boys to only do “boy things”. But what’s a “boy thing”? Playing with cars? Some girls love cars. Playing with superheroes? I know a young girl who knows more about superheros than most boys (and most definitely more about them than me). What about liking purple? Oh, that used to be the color of royalty. 

I’m fine if we’re going to say: blue things in this society are traditionally made for boys. That’s fine with me. Just don’t expect me to be content with going along with the majority because “it’s what boys do”. 

Ah, yes, gender identity.

How do I identify? Now this is a hard one for me to pin down. I’ve been exploring with words to try and understand where I think I fit. I’ve been discussing with others to really dig in to understand what I connect to. It’s hard, too, when I’m typically a person who rebuffs labels. I don’t like labels, generally, as they create a box for me (I know, Kori, that’s just a thought 😉).

I do like the labels of daddy, spouse, entrepreneur, and follower of Jesus. Those are ones I’m likely to carry to my grave. 

I’ve tried out: a gender nonconforming man.

Hmm, maybe. But…no, I don’t think so.

I’m fine being a man. 

I also would love to find the top-secret button to instantly and magically turn myself into a woman. Talk about an upgrade. 

I love myself fully and completely. How could I want to also be different? That’s easy: I love all kinds of things about myself that I wish to continue to explore and grow. I love what I’ve learned in music. And I seek to grow my skill every year. I love who I am and who I am doesn’t change with what body I have.

I think at the point where I’m wondering, “Who would ever want to be a man instead of being a woman?” I think that’s a sign that I’m definitely not fitting into a nice and neat box.

It’s also not like I saw a movie about Elsa, liked it, and wanted to become a girl. All of the threads in my head have existed for years. It’s just that now I’m slowing down and am comfortable with getting curious about what’s going on inside my head. It’s only now that I’m allowing these thoughts and desires to be okay and surface. 

I’m not against the label of “male/man,” It’s not inherently exciting. And maybe, in time, it will be. I do like the idea of being a man who helps reinforce the idea that men don’t need to fit into a box of “masculinity”.

But, alas, it’s not that simple for me at this time in my life.

Back to label exploration…

Genderfluid?

I’ve done a bit of reading and, if I understand correctly, gender fluidity is about the fact that you identify with, at different times, various genders and it shifts over time. 

This is where I get to the point that I don’t really have a strong identity attachment to gender in general. From my understanding, genderfluid individuals have a clear experience of being a gender and it changes for them over time, whether it is a matter of hours, days, weeks, or years.

I don’t know that I’ve ever really connected to the idea of, “I am a man.” I’ve thought, “I’m a man because…well, I’ve got the body of one that society has told me is a man’s.”

Because of my general approach to life, I’m going to make the most of what I’ve got. So, if I’m operating under the pretense that I have a label I don’t get to choose, I’m going to make the most of it. Now, I’m exploring the idea of, “What if I don’t have to operate with the label of ‘man’?”

And while I think I might push that magical button to be instantaneously turned into a woman (I mean, come on, seriously, that is totes an upgrade in my opinion), especially if it was an Elsa-button, I have never felt as though I identify as a woman.

The more I’ve spent reflecting on this, the more I’ve realized: I am not sure I’ve really ever thought much about myself in terms of gender. I’m Luke. And I love being Luke.

And that’s why “Luke doing Luke things” has stuck with me so powerfully. I recently shared my current musings along with the story of me carrying my keyboard down the street and not being sure where I fall in the gender identity spectrum. 

Someone responded:

“I think I’m much the same way, but never quite put it to words in the ‘me doing me things’ kind of framing. I think that describes me PERFECTLY. I’m not really one for labels… I’ve thought a lot about where I fit between crossdresser, genderfluid, gender nonconforming…none fit really. I’ve told my wife I most identify with, ‘I just want to do what I want/wear what I want.’ For real, your post is truly an ‘oh damn’ moment for me…in the best way.”

– fellow human

When I read this, I had to stop and take a moment to see if there was an alternate version of myself posting in response to my original post. Funny thing is, they signed their post with a “J” and my pseudonym starts with a J. Haha, maybe it is me and I have no memory of the act.

While I don’t need someone else to validate my experience, it is incredible to share my story and find others who respond with comments like, “I’ve had similar thoughts and wondered if I am nonbinary.” I don’t know how many of us there are…though, I know there are enough of us walking around that aren’t having the same binary gender experience that many are.

I know I love being me. From a gender expression and identity standpoint, I’ve still got a long way to go to fully understand myself.

How does it all work? Dunno. I have a feeling in one year, I’m going to have a radically better understanding of myself. Because that’s me. I uplevel my life dramatically every single year. So, let’s see what all I learn.

Am I a crossdresser? I guess, technically, yes, Given the odd thing between my legs that I was born with, I am doing that when I wear women’s clothing. That’s more of an activity in my mind (though for some it is a part of their identity). I don’t think this one quite fits me and all of my experience. Unfortunately, it’s also colored by the many times I’ve heard people over the years describe crossdressers as perverts. No surprise, I never hear people calling a woman walking down the street with “men’s” clothing a cross dresser NOR is she ever called a pervert (though, women have been degraded for wearing “men’s” clothing).

Here’s a term that delighted me: gender apathetic.

I nearly laughed out loud when I saw that term because it’s fantastic. Here’s how Healthline defined it:

This term describes someone who doesn’t strongly identify with any gender or with any gender labels.

Generally, people who are gender apathetic display an attitude of flexibility, openness, and “not caring” about how gender identity or presentation is perceived and labeled by others.

I’m not sure this really helps me find a useful label, but it sure does seem to hit the nail on the head. I obviously am deeply intrigued by my experience of gender. However, I’m not too concerned with having a clear answer. Plus, I’m not worried about the perception of others about what my gender is.

What about agender?

It’s funny that the last year of exploration has yielded two possible labels for me and both labels are ones that speak to what I am not versus what I am. Those two labels being asexual (short version: I don’t experience sexual attraction, which is not the same as a low sex drive) and agender (basically, I don’t connect with identifying as a specific gender).

The more I read and investigate these concepts, agender might be fitting. But, maybe not! It’s all relatively new for me and I’m open to my experiences and understandings changing over time.

For me, it’s really about being able to express my true self in ways I love. This means allowing myself the joy and freedom to wear men’s and women’s clothing. It means I’m not bound to a singular label of “man” nor expect myself to do “manly” things.

Maybe in the end, I’ll conclude I’m a cisgender man (cisgender means I identify with the gender that I was assigned at birth) who likes a variety of things that come from across the spectrum. And there would be nothing wrong with that. I’m totally open to whatever the future holds. Because if I decide one day to own the label of “man”, I will own it in a way that only Luke can.

Am I asking you to use different pronouns other than “he” and “him” for me? 

No, not today. 

Will I in the future? 

If I had to make a guess, I would say that it is unlikely. For me, my gender exploration is really a celebration and acknowledgement of myself. As I realize how little I seem to experience gender, I’m unlikely to desire a shift. That said, if someone ever drops female pronouns on me when I’m dressed with women’s clothing, I will take it.

This totes happened when I was shopping for makeup the other day; not because I was passable as a female but rather because a kind person was taking a guess that my presentation might have meant I wanted it. It was both completely uncomfortable and completely wonderful.

I don’t presently have any desire to pass as a woman. Passing meaning that someone looks at me and is likely to think, “Oh, that person is a woman” without stopping to be like, “Wait, male features, gorgeous legs and dress, uh…excuse me…miss…?” I think this is in alignment with the idea that I have an apparent lack of experience of a specific gender identity. (Side note: the whole concept of “passing” can be controversial. Another topic…another day…)

I don’t have the needs that some do to have others acknowledge my gender identity. It feels like a gift to be able to be on this journey and not need that because I feel quite free to just explore. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if I landed on my first proposition, a gender-nonconforming man, because it’s simple and clear. It gives others an easy means of creating a box to put me in while giving me freedom to enjoy gender expression that is decidedly feminine. Or, and perhaps more fun, I’ll carry the delightful label and mantra of “Luke doing Luke things” to my grave.

Am I doing myself a disservice? 

No. And I think by sharing openly, I help contribute to societal acceptance of those who land in other parts of the spectrum and do want others to acknowledge their gender identity. Maybe, as time progresses, I will have new understandings and perspectives where I modify my views and ideas. No, that’s not a maybe, that’s a definitely.

What’s the point of sharing all of this then?

Ah, that’s a good question. I decided to write out my goals in writing this before I started writing because it’s a bunch of info about me…and for what purpose?

For starters, I believe one of my superpowers is vulnerability. It takes incredible strength and courage to be vulnerable and it’s a switch I can flip on in nearly any given moment. Sometimes, the hurdles are much harder than others. And sometimes I fail to do so. I think the world is a better place when we are vulnerable and authentic with one another.

With this post, it has required exceptional courage for me to be willing to share so many of my thoughts, particularly when I am actively exploring them (vs. having come to clear conclusions and sharing in retrospect). I have publically shared things here which are incredibly personal to my journey. 

I also think life is best lived with rich human connection. I believe the most beautiful thing in life is human connection. After spending much time online in various communities, I have realized how many people are out there like me, in one way or another, and are scared to let others know about themselves. It furthers the lies inside that we’re not good enough, that there’s something wrong with us, and that the world would be better without us.

Let me just tell you: there are lonely people all around us. Loneliness isn’t inherently about not having good friends. It’s about being lost in your head and feeling like you don’t belong.

And so part of writing this is to be vulnerable and authentic in showing my own unique and complex journey so that someone else will either experience a bit of connection knowing they aren’t “wrong” or perhaps someone will have a little more understanding for someone they love who is going through something similar.

I have found over this past year that by sharing my experiences, I have been able to be a source of encouragement for others. I know that some very wonderful people think that it is a higher priority to not make someone else uncomfortable. For example, me wearing a dress with full makeup on will most certainly make some uncomfortable.

There are people of all types in this world who crave to present themselves and be acknowledged in all kinds of ways. Rather than requiring these people to adhere to something that makes another comfortable, what if we put our focus on being curious and inviting? 

Maybe that’s not for you. It is quite compelling for me. And as someone who is in a psychological place where I can be vulnerable about this and share it with people, I am continuing on a path that many other amazing humans have been on for millennia. It’s a path where we say: everyone matters, every person is unique, and we will accept them as they are.

If I can help just one person feel a little more comfortable with themselves and help just one person know that they matter and that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM… I am willing to walk through the discomfort of sharing my experience if there’s even the slightest chance of that. There are so many people who hate their existence because society has told them that there’s something wrong with who they are. I will do everything I can to contribute to a different story being communicated. I want each and every person to know that they matter. If there’s even a chance that me wearing a dress puts just one drop of water in the lake of acceptance for others, I will enjoy wearing a dress all the more.

(Spoiler alert: I know my sharing has already done that for some. Yay!)

Many folks are hiding in the closet because of their questions because they fear that either (1) they’ll be rejected because of who they are or (2) they’ll one day realize they don’t continue to associate with that label and they’ll be judged for having said one thing and then changing over time. 

We have to remind ourselves that it’s a journey and even if we come to the end of all of our questions and realize we are cis, that’s good and beautiful because we now have so much more knowledge and can be that much better of an ally.

I view what I’m doing here as contributing to the shared human story that we all have a wide range of experiences, we’re all valid, and we all matter.

Additionally, me writing all of this is about sharing my experience with those I love. I would guess that anyone still reading likely fits into one of a few categories:

• They’re curious. They like reading things and this is just a bit interesting to them for one reason or another.
• They know me and love me and are interested in better knowing about me and my personal journey.
• They’re looking for the comment section to share something incendiary.

I’m sure there are others. I figure people who are still reading probably fit into that second category. And this is me sharing some of my thoughts and experiences.

Wait, this is just SOME of your thoughts? Yes, just a fraction! 🙃

Many of the people in my life don’t get to hear about most of my human experience because I invest substantial time in reflection and discussion with Stef, and then only minimal amounts of time sharing with others. At the same time, I love sharing of myself and if people care to read, I’d love to share what I’ve been processing over the last year. 

The most delightful way would be to share around a fire, but, ya know, winter and COVID kinda put a damper on that.

Will I ever know if I’m truly genderfluid, genderqueer, gender apathetic, agender, something else, or maybe I’ve been cisgender all along? Probably. I’m a powerful pursuer of myself. I typically set my mind on something and I gain understanding, even if it takes many, many years.

For now, I love being and identifying as Luke. I am completely comfortable with and love that. It feels pure and true to who I am. And that’s wonderful. Now I’m exploring what all it means to embrace Luke and see how all I like to show up in the world.

And if you’ve read this far and feel disoriented, wondering what happened to the Luke you know, know that I’m still right here. The same beautiful, thoughtful, and kind human. The same Luke that loves to stir passion for projects and purpose, the same Luke that loves people, and the same Luke that values our shared human experience.

If you’re wondering, “What does this change?” The answer is…nothing! 😊 I’m still here with the same passion and vision and purpose for sharing the love and beauty of Jesus with the world through everything I do.

There are a lot of details left out of this for a range of reasons. I have many, many bullet points that I’ve opted to leave out of this story. To my loved ones, you might notice me wearing different clothes or spot me with makeup on. I’m trying things out and exploring them to see what I like and what suits me. Eventually, I’ll probably try full-on drag. Let me know if you wanna be there when that happens!

If you find us sitting around a fire (or chatting in another form since fires aren’t happening much at the moment), please know you’re welcome to ask me anything. Enjoying human connection is the wealth of a life well-lived.